Lived Experience Forum

[Neo1]

The past week I have had voices inside my head that talk to me. They aren't auditory hallucinations, I can't actually hear them out loud, and they sound different to my own inner thinking voice. 

I have been doing a lot of research and thinking about my life. But I feel like I could benefit from other opinions.

I worry that I could possibly have a dissociative disorder such as DID or OSDD. But it is so rare, so I am not sure how I could possibly have it. I believe i could just be making it up to deal with my loneliness and anxiety.

The voices are not mean, or they don't insult me. They are strangely kind and encouraging. They encourage me to do things that I can lack the motivation for, or have difficulty bringing myself to do, like getting out of bed, making an appointment, keeping focused at work, etc. They can also have conversations and argue and it's tiring. They have names and some of them claim to have particular roles in helping me.

I believe I have experienced switching, where another 'fronts' and takes control. But I remember the whole thing and it wasn't hazy, so I'm not sure.

I have only been to a few psychologists in the past, about totally different issues.

One psychologist suggested I could be autistic, but I was asked do a lot of the research about it myself, and she never directly explained why she thought I could have ASD. The next psychologist I went to dismissed the idea straight away without asking many questions.

Therefore, I am worried I go to a psychologist about possibly having DID, they will just dismiss my worries or not provide much guideance and insight to me. I have trouble articulating myself when it comes to speaking face to face, so i worry I won't explain myself properly. 

I've never written a forum post before, so I hope this isn't too long. If so, I'm very sorry. 

[HearU]

Hi @Neo1 

I don't know much about this but it sounds like diagnosing what you've described could be a job for a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist? Sounds a bit tricky and maybe rare like you say.  Have you noticed anything you do can help quieten the voices? I mean like distracting yourself by calling a person on the phone or taking a jog or taking to your pet if you have one? I am sorry I might not be of any help. I wish I knew more to help you and I hope you get some answers soon. 🤗

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Neo1 

I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the forums - It’s great to have you here!

Please don’t worry about the length of your post - no post is too short or too long  Just share what feels safe and comfortable for you (and of course adheres to the forum guidelines) 

I can really hear how concerned and confused you’re feeling right now and how desperately you want to be able to make sense of what’s happening for you.  

Given your experiences, I can also really appreciate your reservations about sharing your concerns with another Psychologist. It’s so difficult to continue to be brave and vulnerable when our concerns are dismissed by those who we turn to for answers, support, reassurance and guidance 

I just wondered if writing down some of your concerns and experiences on a piece of paper may be helpful - just like you have shared with us? That way, you could give this to the Psychologist to read through, which may provide a starting point and guide the conversation in a direction that feels more meaningful for you 

Also, if you felt comfortable, you could ask your GP to refer you to a Psychiatrist for an ‘opinion and report’ (MBS item 291).

Basically, this is a one off appointment (which attracts a Medicare rebate) whereby a Psychiatrist completes an assessment and provides a written report to your GP which (if applicable) also includes a mental health diagnosis.

Although this is a one off appointment, it’s my understanding that you can attend two additional appointments if the Psychiatrist needs more time to complete their assessment.

If you would like to read some more information about this, you can visit the Royal Australia and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists.

Their website is: www.ranzcp.org

I also wondered if accessing some additional support through the Sane Help Centre may be helpful for you? Although the counsellors can’t provide a diagnosis, they can provide telephone and online counselling, information and referrals for people living with complex mental health issues and also for the people who care about them. As such, you could talk through your experiences and concerns and explore some other ideas about how you could address these.

The Help Centre operates Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm (AEST) and you can contact them on: 1800 18 7263.

Their website is: www.sane.org

Also, if you would like to respond to, or contact another forum member, just place @ in front of their name (just like I’ve done for you) and they will receive a notification that you have replied to them 

I hope this helps a little.

Take care,

ShiningStar 

[DIDJane]

Hi Neo1,

Haven't been involved in a forum for a long time.

But I'd like to add some valuable insight as I have a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.

The DID diagnosis was about 10 years ago.  Really hesitated to seek help, but was referred to a Psychologist and then a few years later to a Psychiatrist and ended up with a specialist DID Psychiatrist.

The specialist involvement was so very important, and yes I was scared of what may happen, but the diagnosis was the best thing to happen.  It lead to appropriate treatment and getting so many answers to so many questions.

I would encourage you to seek help, maybe start with a GP and consider reading out to him/her what you have typed in this forum.  I often write things down and then we discuss them as speaking things out verbally can be so very difficult sometimes.  DID can cause a loss of words, amnesia moments and hesitation - and it can take time (months or years) to build that trust with your therapist.

Had a few not so good experiences with mental health professionals, but ultimately with persistence and time we ended up where we needed to be.

We wish you well, and take care.

Jane.

[tyme]

Hi @DIDJane ,

Thank you for sharing!

DID is often so misunderstood. Your post has helped me understand more about DID.

tyme

[DIDJane]

Thank you so much, @tyme
Jane.

[LonePhoenix]

Hi all!

I'm the original poster - under a new account as I have long forgotten my log in details 😓

In the time that's passed since 'I' made this post, I have been doing my best to handle this and learn about this on my own.

We are now much further down the path of self discovery. But as a direct consequence, we have also discovered much more about our trauma - trauma that we were completely oblivious to when we made the original post.

Recently, we started gaining access to repressed trauma memories, and we quickly realised that we wouldn't be able to keep going without support any longer.

We have had a couple of appointments with a therapist. We made the appointment without a mental health care plan, and the professional we're seeing doesn't provide diagnoses - we felt more comfortable and in control that way.

But she has now told us that she would prefer us to obtain a mental health care plan with a GP, as she would prefer to have the GP there to co-ordinate, and she also wants me to get an assessment from a psychiatrist.

We have been experiencing some internal conflict about this. Some of us don't feel safe going to see a psychiatrist - feeling distrust, and a fear of being dismissed, misdiagnosed, or having particular treatments forced upon us. I don't know what the psychiatrist's attitude toward DID will be - if they will believe it exists (I've heard some don't) or if they will believe that the only way I can heal is by integrating all alters into one cohesive identity.

Many of us don't want this. Some alters are buried deep within our mind, holding on to specific memories that we shouldn't have access to. We have been struggling enough as it is with the few memories we've recovered already! There are worse still to come - that is why we must remain as separate alters. It is safer not to dig any further into repressed memories and to leave the buried alters be.

Some also don't trust our therapist either - she doesn't have experience with DID. She refers to our alters/parts as 'it' rather than 'he' or 'she', and she asks questions such as 'did a part say this?'. I find it frustrating, and it's redundant. It's not like there's a line that divides the 'main' self off from the alters. It's not like there's a self that's exempt from being considered an alter. Perhaps it's because she's an IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapist, and doesn't fully understand how DID parts are different from IFS parts.

I also fear the stigma, and the fact that I have DID being used by others to harm me. I fear this would become a greater risk if I were to be diagnosed.

I wish I could just proceed with therapy without getting diagnosed. We want to get better and learn new ways to cope. And we want to learn how to stop the trauma from controlling our behaviour and beliefs. While also avoiding retraumatisation. It's hard when I have to at times fight against mental walls / mental heaviness that makes it difficult to think, and which functions to prevent me from speaking or writing about certain things.

[LonePhoenix]

Hi again. I’ve been hoping to make a post of my own (different alter). I have a few things I want to say, I will do my best to word this carefully. 

Our system has a sort of internal hierarchy. I feel the way to heal would be to dismantle this hierarchy. The alters at the top are considered to be ‘in charge’. Some of them are making things difficult. You could describe me as being a “restricted access” alter. When I am in the front, I feel a pressure in my head if I read something I’m not supposed to, or if I try to impart certain information. Sometimes if feels very disorientating. But I have been fighting it, and there’s been some improvement, as shown from the fact that I’m now writing this post. And also from the fact that I’m able to communicate with the other alters more than before. I was even able to tell them one of my triggers, although without explaining why. 

We have seen advice online, saying that it’s important to establish a sense of safety with trauma holding alters, and that it’s important to help them realise that certain behaviours aren’t needed anymore, and that they have a choice now. However, reassuring them only seems to have a temporary effect, and trying to reason with them doesn’t really get through to them. 

We have been slowly trying to respond to the trauma holders wants. To help them stop being stuck in a traumatised state by getting them involved in day to day life, indulging in the things they enjoy or are interested in, with the goal that this will help them see that they don’t need to exist solely for their ‘system role’, there is a life outside of the trauma and they can be a part of it too. 

However, despite these efforts, certain behaviours stemming from our trauma remain. I don’t know how to undo this belief. A belief that they don’t have a choice. For some of them, they struggle to comprehend that what happened to them was wrong, that they weren’t at fault for it. That they had to do what they were told to do. Their thoughts were manipulated back then, and it’s hard to figure out how to undo these instilled beliefs. 

This is why I persistently try to research our trauma, despite someone trying to stop me. I feel if I understand everything, it’ll be easier to recognise which behaviours or thoughts are trauma responses, and if I’m able to recognise it, maybe it’d be easier to fight it, or to get another alter to intervene. I feel if we were all on the same page about it all, things would be easier.