Red's house

[The-red-centaur]

@Ru-bee i was watching the second series of alone australia. 

Its a survival series where you get thrown into a forrest and the person who survives the longest wins 250,000. 

The way its produced informs you all the stuff the contestants  do and why. 

Its not a proper doco in the fact its a competition, but its well put together and the cinematography is so beautiful, plus its all all filmed by the contestants. 

Alone is a series I had always heard of but as I rarely watch things hadnt watch any of them, I put it on when I had covid and got addicted. I want to watch the Nordic one next. 

[The-red-centaur]

Argh i dissociated so bad in my appointment but got through it. I dont remember much else in the day. But thats ok. Time for bed soon a good rest. 

[The-red-centaur]

Feelings of hopelessness has been clawing at me a lot lately. 

I feel this constant need to be doing things, i cant sit still, i cant focus on anything. This urge to do anything but sit think tears me apart. It is a war i dont have the energy to deal with. 

As my physical health slowly deteriates and body is able to do less and less daily tasks and or activities, the battles with fatigue and adhd are destroying my positivity and outlook on life. 

Its hard acepting that life will just get worse and my functioning continue to deteriate, but that is the reality. Pushing myself and forcing positivity wont help me. 

Hopeless is filling my mind lately. The last few days have been pretty bad with my fatigue and i havebt even do my usual distract myself with xbox games or stick to my daily routines and scedules. 

My support worker dragged me to the park after i broke down after lunch and said i feel so worthless and hopeless and so frustrated with my fatigue. I tried to just sit there and watch the baby ducks running around and be present. The pain hit hard and i just wanted to curl up and no longer exist. 

I am at a point where just pushing myself to continue and do the stuff i have learnt or be told to do is often just not physically possible. The future is bleak and finding joy in the small things is feeling like a harder and harder task with growing challenges. 

I am sorry, i have no i can express this to. I am scared. I dont know how to push through right now. 

[rav3n]

hey @The-red-centaur 😊

having to accept reality would be really painful and difficult, it absolutely makes sense why you'd feel this way. if pushing yourself to be positive isn't working, that's okay too! would something more neutral help? (e.g. even though i couldn't do X today, i'm proud of myself for giving it a go despite how exhausted i feel)

i know it's really hard to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves when we're frustrated from our body's limits. but it's when we're feeling low that we need that self-compassion most. going out with your SW must've been tough - but you did it! it might not have made you feel as good as you hoped, but sometimes taking those challenging steps can help in the long run.

this feeling of hopelessness won't last forever, you will find joy again. maybe it's a sign to explore new joys? despite how hard things have been for you, you've shown so much strength in reaching out and being here. we're right beside you on this journey 💙

i was also wondering, are you getting further around the fatigue from a GP/specialist?

[The-red-centaur]

@rav3n chronic fatigue syndrome (myalgic encephalomyelitis) has no treatments, and it can just progressively get worse. There isnt really anything drs can do. 

Im trying to focus on the small things each day that helps my mind keep busy. Audio books are my escape lately coz i can lie in bed, rest my body and let my mind be absorbed in the stories. 

Some reason my thoughts feel so chaotic tonight. I feel agitated but completely exhausted from doing a small grocery shop this afternoon. My mind wont shut down which is just getting to me. Im not even overthinking bad shit. The last hour ive been singing songs in my thoughts in tune with the cicadas outside. Gahhh

[rav3n]

gosh, that really sucks that there's no treatment!! just outta curiousity, have you've looked into naturopathy? i had a family friend get naturopathic treatment for their fatigue, but i'm unsure if theirs was chronic. @The-red-centaur 

yay i'm glad you've got your audiobooks! what book are you listening to at the moment?

it's tough when those thoughts get overwhelming out of nowhere hey. i know you're doing the best you can with what you've got. your strength to push on doesn't go unnoticed. if things do get more intense, who can you reach out to? 

[The-red-centaur]

Hey, sorry its been while for me to reply @rav3n 

Ive had a bit going on and just to drained by the end of the day to put my thoughts together. 

Tbh I dont really believe in naturapathy, I have reservations about the science behind it. For me keeping a balanced diet should give all my necessary nutrients and I regular blood works through my gp.

Micromanaging this or that micro-mineral would not really accomplish anything. Plus I dont have spare money to afford such a thing. 

I can barely pay to go to the dentist today, even with its massive reduced cost in the public system. 

Its just one of those things i have to deal with. Managing energy level, not overcommitting myself to things but still finding ways to do things and enjoy myself. Its a hard balance but im trying. 

Im just frustrated with it all. But all you can really do is just deal with it and keep trying to do what I can. 

[rav3n]

hey @The-red-centaur no apology needed, please do take your time, there's no rush. 😊

that's totally fair! i can imagine that micromanaging the diet aspect can add to the overwhelm as well. sucks when money is a big limitation to getting support 😕 

finding that balance does sound tough, but if anyone can do it, it's definitely you. i can hear how frustrating it is, especially when that energy level dips lower at times and the usual activities/strategies don't work, but i hope that newer ones keeping finding you. have you still been enjoying those audiobooks? (once again, no pressure to respond!)

[The-red-centaur]

@rav3n I've nearly finished the book I've been listening to 🙃🫠

Im currently going through the dune series by Frank Herbert. Im in love with it. Its intriguing, politely, psychological, and most importantly sci-fi. Ive wanted to read them since a kid. Finally with Spotify and free audio books I can get onto the books I've wished. 

[rav3n]

after you mentioned audiobooks last time, i just got a burst of motivation to get back into it too @The-red-centaur i managed to find some on Youtube - there's a 'dramatised' version where it feels like i'm listening to a movie.

that's so great that Spotify has free audiobooks now, i didn't even know!! i have heard that the dune series is quite long? unless i'm confusing it with another book. have you watched the movie adaptations?