Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Soverytired]

I'm so glad to have found this forum.  DH has depression and it's threatening our marriage.

3 years ago, when our daughter was 6 months old, he told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't know what to do with his life.  He saw a GP, got medication, saw a psychologist regularly and was better for a couple of years... About 8 weeks ago he told me he didn't know how to be happy anymore, that he wasn't happy in our marriage and he thought it wasn't the depression talking - it was his unhappiness with me causing the depression.  Naturally I was heartbroken (again) and I went to stay with my parents for the weekend.  When I returned, he was remorseful and said he wanted to fix things.  He has since seen a GP and is on the same medication again, however it has been much longer and he doesn't seem to be getting any better.  When I ask if he still wants to fix us, he says he doesn't know, and he doesn't want to make any rash decisions while he's still so affected by the depression.  He hardly speaks to me, won't initiate physical contact and sex is non-existent. He says I can't do anything to help, he needs to work it out on his own.  I really want to keep hope, but some days there just doesn't seem to be a light ahead. 

I just don't know what to do, and it's consuming me - I can't concentrate at work and it's so uncomfortable at home.   Any advice will be desperately appreciated.

[pip]

Hi @Soverytired. The situation you're in is so difficult because there's a child to consider. Taking a child from her father, especially with her being 3 years old. Is there someway you could stay with your parents or find somewhere else to stay temporarily while he sorts himself out? You obviously both need 'time out'. While you are living together, trying to figure out what you want is hard. Separate bedrooms may help a bit, but you still live together, so you'll still be together. Are you okay financially, I suggest you see about finding somewhere to live or ask him to move out till he sorts himself out. When someone is depressed, it's real hard for them to think clearly. The clouds that cover them, make it difficult to communicate. With depression too, the libido is often affected and often physical contact can be (to the sufferer) very off-putting. He doesn't even like himself at the moment, so initiating any sort of contact would be repulsive for him. He is right to say he needs to work himself out. What was he like when you first met, was there any sign of MI? If there was some sort of sign that he had MI, it's miraculous he has gone for so long. You may have to initiate proceedings to either help him move, or move yourself. If you do ask him, be prepared for some 'don't know what I want' answers. It sounds as though he wants you to make any and all decisions as he is unable to, due to the severity of the depression.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Soverytired

Depression can take the joy out of things that use to bring people joy. This includes relationships. I think your husband's decision to make any rash decisions while feeling depressed is wise, but this doesn't leave you on solid grounds. Its sounds very uncertain and stressful - having to wait and see until your husband can understand his feelings towards you. 

As @pip pointed out, your DH is probably not feeling great about himself. There's often a lot of self-loathing that can along with depression. As cliche as it may sounds, it's hard to love someone else when you don't love yourself. 

@Soverytired it seems like it's a bit of balance between your DH needs and your needs right now. You want to support your DH, but it's also very important to care for you to. Just as I mentioned above, loving yourself is also important for you too. It's important that you do what you need to do for yourself during this stressful period. If your DH is unable to provide with the support and affection that you need, it's ok to reach out to others. 

You mentioned that you've been through a similar experience with your DH. Can I ask how you got through that? Was there anything that helped to get through that in the past?

CherryBomb

[Tiggeroo]

Heya @Soverytired,

*hugs*

I am sorry you are having a rough time of it with your husband and his mental health. It adds an extra level of challenge into every aspect of our lives. 

Is your husband seeking help from a psychologist along with his medication? This is often SO helpful in assisting to figure out what is real feelings, and what is the depression. 

Perhaps you could go along to sessions together and discuss his feelings and establish whether he is basing them on truth or situations he is "misinterpreting" (for want of a better word). it may help you both to communicate more openly and clearly with one another. 

Physical intimacy of any kind, should only come from a safe space, and if your husband is feeling unsure and unsafe about the relationship, that is a good indicator there is work to be done in that area, whether on his part, or your part, or together! Also keep in mind anti-depressants are more often than not libido killers, so it could be meds related too.

Keep smiling when you can and remind him you love him in gentle ways, allow him the space he needs to work on himself, but let him know you are always there, willing to help, and to participate in that help where you can! Remind him he isnt alone.

xx

Tigs

[Yuki]

Hi Soverytired, I am in the same situation...what you are saying here is exactly my situation too! Apart from having kids together, both our kids are grown up now.... I am hoping like you that he will work things out and get help... I have had to 'back off' with any form of intimacy or hugs. This has helped a little bit as he doesn't feel as pressured but is extremely hard for me to do as I want to show him how much I love him and that I am here for him.... I don't think the meds mine is on are helping...but he won't seek help from doctors to change them. The meds are definitely affecting our intimacy... I hear you about it consuming you...it is me too. Mine just wants to watch TV or play on the computer...no chat as that is just too hard for him... Hang in there and I hope things work out for you ❤️

[pip]

@Yuki. I was in a similar situation as you where my ex only wanted to play on his computer. Watching movies on his computer consumed a lot of his time. He seldom actually 'played' games, it was usually watching movies, or listening to youtube. My ex was also paranoid about money and would 'check' the bank balance everyday or the stock markets. We got to the point where there was no conversation, he was more concerned about his parents, his job, the computer, money. I left last year because I'd had enough of the whole situation. I do spend time with the computer, but I have other interests. I have a volunteer job, I do a lot of craft work, I have mates I spend time with. I'm not saying separation is the answer, but in my case, it was the only thing I had left. When you love someone passionately, it's extremely hard when they 'close' down. I had stopped loving my ex, so leaving was easy - scary, but easy. Perhaps when he's playing games, if you make him a cuppa, or share with him something you may have heard or seen, this is another way of showing intimacy. Sometimes talking without expecting answers is difficult, but once you start talking about everyday things, that can help. Tell him about someone you may have seen. If you go shopping, share with him about what may be happening at the shops. Talk about the different people, people watching can be extremely interesting and funny.

[Yuki]

Thank you for that. The thought has definitely crossed my mind about leaving....I just don't know how long I can keep doing this as much as I love him and don't want it to end...in a way he has pretty much already ended it by 'closing down'. I have been doing what you have said and I don't really get anything at all in return....so it is like a one sided conversation. I hate seeing him spiral deeper down and not do anything about it. I will keep trying - I just don't know how long.....He has to want to get better in order to get better and right now, that is not what he wants or is not what he is able to do... I am glad things in the end worked out for you. You sound like a strong person. Hope you are finding happiness now for yourself. Cheers

[pip]

@Yuki. I'm so sorry things are not working for you. The suggestion I posted was just an idea. The problem is it's pointless asking him what he wants. I don't think he could answer as his depressive state is stopping him from thinking clearly. If you still love him, and from the way you're talking, there is still feeling, keep trying, but be aware that if the giving is totally one-sided, after a while, the battle to keep going becomes harder. As I said, in my case, the feeling had totally gone, leaving was in my best interests. I almost returned some time ago when I received word his mother had gone into aged care, diagnosed with dementia. However, after discussing this with an extremely close personal friend, who gave me the support I needed, I decided to leave things as they were. Every situation is different, yours is different in that you still love and care, I lost all feeling, so leaving, in that way, was easy. I was terrified - yes, but I've never been happier since leaving. Whether my ex still loves me doesn't matter to me, it's how I feel in me that's important. if I was to return, what am I returning to? That's what I had to keep telling myself when the urge to return overcame me. I won't return to nothing and he doesn't give me any reason to want to return. I am stronger now- yes, but strength came from the knowledge of caring for me. Also my friend was there. He lives interstate from me, but he cares more so than my ex ever did.

[Yuki]

@pip Thank you.... I am sorry they are not working well too.. 😞 Yes I still love him and do not want this to end. I have not given up yet.... But, he is not getting better, he is getting worse...longer bouts of depression, more anger, pushing me away, no communication etc... I am a fighter not a quitter but time will tell how this will be...I hope that it gets better and stays better but I am cautious too. I have to start looking after myself and thinking about myself, something that I never really have done. Everyone else always comes before me. I now realise I need to be happy too and that is something that is rare these days. So IF he decides before it is too late to get help and things pick up I will stay. If not... 😞 I am so happy for you though that you are stronger and happier than ever. Yes, every situation is different... I am hoping things DO
turn around and we can work through this together..... You take care and thank you again for taking the time to chat. Hopefully next time I will also be stronger and happier! 🙂 Cheers

[Yuki]

@Soverytired How are you going now?  Have things picked up for you?  Hope you are ok...