Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Soverytired

I hope you are getting some support in your real life.  From friend, family or health system.  Marriage stress is especially serious when children are involved. 

I wonder .. if your poartner is confusing "love" with feelings.  Sometimes ... love isnt feelings ... it is actions and staying the course.  maybe if he thinks he should be having feelings and doesnt . .. then he is giving himself a harder time than he ought.... and also giving you a hard time ... the actual reality of raising kids hits most of us with  HUGE FORCE.  Lifes issues take a while to tease out ...

Hope you are ok

[Mumsworry1]

Hi
Maybe you should organise a carer to look after your child & just go away for the weekend together & pretend you are dating again. He just needed to know that you are also looking after him & not always focusing on your child. Guys sometimes feel left out as our love is moved to our children & they get a little jealous. He needs to also get out of the slump he is in so it may be good to preoccupy him with something that he wouldn't expect from you.
Try something different 🙂
Good luck

[pip]

@Yuk. Try to look at the anger issue as him being angry and disappointed in himself. Men don't like to think of themselves as weak, they are raised to believe they're the 'strong' sex, women are supposed to be the 'weaker' sex. Men are supposed to provide and care etc. When they are unable to do what they think is the 'man' side of the marriage agreement or vow, they become angry and disillusioned with themselves and the anger is either directed at the nearest and dearest (the wife), or they 'disappear' inside themselves. If the wife is working and 'carrying' the load herself, the anger becomes a sort of barrier. They start thinking of themselves as complete failures and because men, by nature, are not real big on communication, the cycle continues. Often to break the cycle of self abuse which is what they think they're doing, they often don't or can't see that their behaviour is affecting those around them, they need to be reminded how important they are, how much they're needed. Not by speaking, (honey, I love and adore and miss you) hugging, kissing, which to them is almost 'blackmail', but sort of (honey, I can't do 'something, can you do it, or show me so I can learn). You are dealing with a man, by nature, the 'hunter', provider, supporter etc. This is in no way meant to demean you, I had a woman friend many years ago who used to tell me that with men, the nature of the 'beast', is for women to be submissive. It used to be called a 'man's' world. With the 'equal' rights bill, a lot of men had to take what they looked at as a back seat. My ex FIL is the original chauvinist, to him, to ask a mere women to help him was totally against the grain, he is 90, Now he has no choice but to ask 'women' for help. He basically has to grit his teeth, to swallow his pride. If he fixed something or suggested 'how to' fix it and you questioned, how he knew, the stock answer would be 'I'm a man, and men KNOW these things'. I would grit MY teeth and walk out. He is totally against women being called equal, some men simply cannot handle women knowing anything. I'm not saying your hubby openly thinks that way, but he may have that thought somewhere in his subconscious.

[Soverytired]

Thanks for all the words of support.

@pip there was no sign of MI when I first met him. He had suffered a similar episode a few years earlier when a girl broke his heart, but I didn't know this until just recently.

The previous time this happened to us was 3 years ago @CherryBomb - when our daughter was 6 months old. There's not a lot out there to help men with PND, it always seems directed at women. Last time we were in another state and I left to stay with my folks while he got help. That's not an option this time as I have a job and daycare commitments. He is seeing a psychologist again and seems a little better lately. I am trying not to get too hopeful. He has been talking to a woman from work, apparently she noticed he was down and would try and cheer him up. I'm not sure what their relationship is, he says purely platonic and I know I need to trust him. She left for overseas last week and he was a mess. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions but part of me thinks how is it so devastating that some random could leave, but he is so ambivalent about his wife and child leaving? I fluctuate between sadness and anger. I will ask (in a couple weeks maybe) to attend a psych with him. We need to learn how to communicate.
@Tiggeroo - you say physical intimacy comes from a place of safety, but I don't understand because I have made it clear that from my POV he is safe. It's really just him that is neither here nor there. This confusion is the source of most of my anger. I don't want to be something he decides "yeah, ok". I want him to want this. I won't be anyone's consolation.

I am heartened by his efforts to talk to me and I am even getting hugs most days even if I have to initiate them. I text him everyday at lunch to show I'm thinking of him. But it's exhausting trying so hard. I'm so grateful for everyone's support and advice.

@Yuki if you love him hang in there. Stay hopeful, strong (although it's so.hard at times) and just try to have faith that it will all be ok one day

[pip]

@Soverytired. Your hubby sounds extremely mixed up in his feelings. He's devastated that this woman from work has left, just as he was opening up. The difference between you and his colleague is: you're emotionally involved, she wasn't and never would be. He felt 'safe' opening up to her because there was nothing expected. It's possible, in his mind, opening up to his wife means committing further to her when he is not able to. You are right in saying you need to learn to communicate. He also needs to learn you expect no more than he can give, He needs to trust you that you will not expect more than he can give. It could be that, to him, at the moment, marriage is a bit 'heavy' in that he may feel you want more than he is capable of giving. I can't help feeling, he's scared that he can't be the husband he thinks you want him to be. All he can hear is his own fear that he is failing, That's why this other woman meant more, she expected nothing, he fears you expect more. It's not your fault, or his, as you said, communication - or lack of, is your biggest problem. I'm really hopeful, once you both have learnt to talk and he can learn to listen, not hear what he thinks you're saying, but hear what you are actually saying, things could start improving. 2nd honeymoon, hopefully. fingers crossed.