Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Ok @creative_writer 💜

Thanks for confirming yours safe right now, however living with hypervigilance is an uneasy constant companion - there when all other things aren’t… I do understand; I think I have experienced something similar while in my younger years 🌺

please do remember you have us here holding space for you 💜

[Former-Member]

Hey there @tyme 💜🌺🙂

Standing tall, thank you for checking 🙂💜

here for our @creative_writer 💜

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member I’ve convinced myself saying nothing was better for everyone and that I was a burden for hurting. Hence, why I find it really hard to reach out in real life. Reaching out to friends and a helpline are really hard because I feel people prefer when I pretend. At the same time, I know keeping this all locked inside isn’t healthy

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @creative_writer .

I can absolutely resonate with what you are saying in that I too, was so guarded for so long. Yet after years and years of not getting better, I finally had to give in and let go. It had to come to a point where I accepted help and trust someone else.

I hear this is hard. Yet this is something no one else can do for you.

Each person has a point whether they choose whether to continue striving or whether to allow themselves to be helped.

I wonder if this is your turning point?

[creative_writer]

@tyme it's not that I haven't improved, but there is a barrier that is slowing down my progress. I wish I could be more open but I am scared to open because I do not want to get hurt. Like I want to do what it takes to get better because I hate this shitty life, but I don't want to be vulnerable either. I feel like nobody understands me, not even my psych. But then what can you do if you don't have that "safe person", you can't just curl up into a ball and keep things to yourself? It's tricky

[Former-Member]

Hey there @creative_writer 🌺

yes, I can see how that narrative has had a purpose, however i do think it’s not good having to live with not only pain but masking, as well dearest 💜

It sounds like there’s a point where somethings got to give, and make way for some change. 
I was married for over 17 years where I masked, and I just couldn’t keep that up - I compromised myself for the sake of everyone else, and it reduced my value as a person so much I didn’t ever reach out for help, until some years after I left, when I realised that I was a person who was also allowed to be happy, and so I started trying to deal with the pain which I had been suppressing for the comfort of everyone around me. 
One thing about having been through that is I really don’t want to see other people having to mask and suppress, so gently I’d like you to know that you never have to mask or suppress yourself, and you can feel a sense of freedom to express whatever you feel you want to, and I’m happy to hold space for that and sit with you anytime 🙂🌺

[tyme]

I was about to say that @creative_writer . Yes, your psych may not understand you, but then, have you made yourself understood? I hear the vulnerability. Hence, this is not a challenge. It's simply a thought. I know it's not as easy as tell or don't tell. Or be or not be vulnerable. The time needs to be right, and you need to be ready. 

If you are not ready, no one can expect you to open up to face what are potentially 'demons' (if you know what I mean).

You have not done anything wrong @creative_writer . We support you in whatever you decide you can or can't do.

We are with you.

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member masking is very exhausting. It is true I consider other people's needs before mine, it's always been like that. It's hard to not feel selfish putting myself first. I grew up trying to regulate my parents emotions too. Honestly, I was frightened of my mum's emotions at times too. I never really realised how traumatic it was to grow up with a parent who at times get really heightened to the point of SI until last year when it last happened.

@tyme with everything I have told her so far, I don't feel like she understands. I don't really feel like anyone understands. Look, she is well educated and trauma informed. I just feel sort of disconnected at times. I don't feel fully safe with her, but then do I with anyone else? no. Though I will say this, I feel like it's easier to connect to someone with some sort of lived experience of their own, I once had a therapist who implied he had some lived experience. I know everyone is different, but that's just me

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @creative_writer .

I'm also thinking, what would you like your psych to do so that you feel she understands? I'm just wondering. No need to answer if you don't know. I'm only curious to understand what 'understand' looks like to you.

[creative_writer]

@tyme with the other therapist I knew he understood because he could feel me. People's facial expressions and body language are very revealing. It's not that I have never seen my psych feel for me, but not to the same extent as the other therapist. I am not saying my psych hasn't helped, she has. But I don't think I could go to her and lay everything on the table. It's very hard for me to get to that stage. Yes, she knows about trauma-SA, enmeshment, my mum's MH struggles to some extent, but there are still things I do not say