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sbmc
Contributor

Limiting Contact with my Mum

Question: How have people here let their loved one with MI know that they can’t continue a personal relationship with them with the utmost attempts at compassion for them, despite the obvious hurt it will cause them?

 

Background (this is long, I don’t mind if you skip and just give your stories. I think I’m just expressing to process): 

 

I’m at a stage in my relationship with my mum where I feel like this is the healthiest next step for both of us because I’m finding I can’t rely on my normal self-regulation (which I trust in every other situation in my life) to remain calm and patient when she is drinking.

 

I’m concerned about losing verbal control. There are two times a year apart where I have yelled at her loudly, sworn at her, spoken with harsh, judgemental labels or tones. I told her last year she was acting like a child, our relationship was toxic, I was like her parent, and this year I yelled at her that she was ‘mentally ill’ (the time I used was uncompassionate) and abusive. I would normally choose to talk with her about my concerns about the core of these things in more neutral, descriptive terms.

 

I’m concerned about losing moral control. My mum is an amputee without a prosthetic yet. Last year I was so reactive that I left her sitting in the passenger seat of the car and sat back in the driver’s seat when she was unable to tell me how she wanted her chair positioned to get out and she responded by criticising me (she was actually able to get out easily, but I couldn’t know that when I got back in the car). 

 

I’m concerned about losing physical control. This year I felt so angry that I felt like I wanted to hurt her physically. I didn’t. I didn’t touch her, but the feeling was so strong. I haven’t felt like that except once when I was a teenager and in my every day life I don’t ever feel like being violent towards anyone or anything. This is the reaction I’m most concerned about as it’s suggesting to me I’m really not coping and, really, that I don’t want to be in situations in which another person can’t share responsibility and it may not be safe for me to risk being in close contact with her. 

 

I called lifeline, a family relationship service and 1800RESPECT to discuss my reaction. I stayed at a campsite over night to keep some space. I decided I would not drive her in the morning if she had been drinking as I didn’t trust myself (she was fine and Christmas was fine). 

 

I’m concerned my threshold is lower, and it might be indicative that I need to make new, drastic adjustments to our relationship. The triggers were minor in comparison to much else that has happened between us. Last year’s trigger was mum criticising me when she was feeling insecure (she was able to say that 11 months later) and when I said ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated, but I don’t like being spoken to like that’, she responded with more criticism and then I started yelling.

 

This year she had been drinking knowing we had planned in advance for me to collect her from her home 2 hours away and I would stay the night after not seeing her since mother’s day. For many years I have told her I won’t be in her company when she’s drinking, and I leave if she has been. I said neutrally, ‘You’ve been drinking’ and said I would go out for a few hours for lunch to give her time to rest and sober up, would she like me to bring anything back? She responded saying she’d like me to bring back a better temper and I lost it again. 

 

These triggers are mild in comparison to other situations and reactions of my mum’s. My own reactions are out of proportion with the direct situation, but related to a lifetime of unhealthy communication and relationship patterns between us that can sometimes have aspects of emotional abuse. I’m very concerned that I’m not coping and need a new level of distance between her and I to minimise the risk of harming her and continuing to expose both of us to this dynamic, even if it’s only once a year.

 

Details:

- My mum has been dependent on alcohol for 24 years (since I was 10)

- She most likely has chronic depression and anxiety but has always been resistant to seeking professional help, bar a few instances that she didn’t feel were helpful.

- My grandma seemed to have undiagnosed psychotic symptoms, and my mum shows some signs of delusional thinking, especially when she’s drinking, so I don’t know whether her experiences could be understood with additional diagnoses

- My mum’s relationship with my grandma was highly emotionally abusive since my mum was a small child and she has had friendships and relationships that were similarly damaging.

- I’ve increasingly taken on parent-like roles for her and my brothers since childhood.

- My mum doesn’t seem willing to participate with me in talking about some shared goals for family counselling which was a boundary for me in going ahead with organising it. 

- I have depression and a past history of social anxiety. I’ve spent most of my life learning about this and about my relationships and communication. I’ve made a lot of progress. I also still have a lot to learn. A particular focus is recognising where I automatically take on sole responsibility for managing my relationship with my mum when she isn’t willing/able to be receptive and the impact that has on both of us. 

- My Mum feels very uncomfortable, possibly scared, to discuss all of this openly and finds it very difficult to understand when I’ve tried to explain why we need distance and being confronted with the reality that our relationship isn’t as ideal as she’d like.

- I.e. It is very difficult to make progress because I’m the only one trying and I think my extreme reactions show that I may be fatigued beyond coping right now. 

- I think I will organise to talk about this with a Relationships Australia counseller in addition to my normal psychologist. 

- I don’t want to suddenly withdraw contact without any explanation as that would feel so very hurtful to my mum beyond the hurt of even more limited contact with me that I’ve already built up over the years. 

 

I’m feeling incredibly sad contemplating even more limited contact, I’m just not trusting myself and I have a very strong awareness that part of my reactions are signals that I don’t feel comfortable being in such unhealthy situations anymore. 

 

 

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Limiting Contact with my Mum

@sbmc Hi sbmc you are in a very difficult situation but I feel you are doing everything you possibly can. You are seeing a psychologist, considering counselling, distancing yourself away from your mum when she triggers you....  I honestly do not know what to say.  She does bear part of the responsibility of recovery (I had an alcoholic father and he never gave up drinking ....) you have to look after your own needs. Your own health. I know what your are doing is hard for you. It is not being selfish it is self preservation. Look after yourself greenpeaxx

Re: Limiting Contact with my Mum

Hey @sbmc thanks so much for sharing your story, I am so sorry to hear about the impact your mother's drinking is having on her own mental health and especially your emotional wellbeing. You've already done a great deal of work, show a lot of strength and intelligent in managing this situation. I can understand, being an empath, it's probably very difficult to begin the process of limiting further contact - but it's completely necessary if it means your own wellbeing will improve. A lot of forum members have spoken of the value in having a therapist during the process of minimising contact/estrangement. Sometimes even when our caregivers have been unkind to us, that guilt still lives on. Especially as the child in a parenting role. This community is always here to listen, so please keep us updated on your journey Heart

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