I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Sorry @Jynx. You sound like I’m frustrating you. I don’t mean too and I’m really sorry. Please don’t give up on me. I am listening. 

They sound like good bush walking buds. The only things dad has time for is sitting on the lounge reading the newspaper and falling asleep or watching tv shows on catch up for the third time as he keeps falling asleep through them. 

Im sorry for bringing it up. I didn’t mean to stir things. That wasn’t my intention. 

[Jynx]

That was not at all frustration @Captain24 - sounds like you read it in a more negative tone?

It was completely neutral - the use of 'eh' is probably unusual for me though, so perhaps your brain interpreted that as me being frustrated or 'over it'. Which makes sense if you grew up in a home where you needed to be ultra-alert for the tiniest shifts in your parents' emotions. Hypervigilance is rouuuugh! I do totally understand how this sorta thing happens, dw. 

Because actually! In reality, I was trying to demonstrate nonchalance, because I didn't want you to feel pressured! Or feel bad if you didn't feel like engaging in that particular activity. So easy for miscommunications to happen in text! Haha here's me like 'oh no, I don't want captain to feel bad if she's not up for it, better play it cooooool'... Woops, nope, that backfired!! 

So please do NOT think I am giving up on you. Not my style anyway 😋

You are so fine hun, you can go to bed knowing that all is well with us 😁 But I gotta skedaddle haha - nighty night!! 💜 Maybe catcha tomoz!

[Captain24]

T/W SA

Sorry I was stupid enough to read it the wrong way @Jynx Mum says ‘eh’ when she has had enough of whatever I’m saying and wants to dismiss me. So I’m really sorry. Maybe one day I’ll be able to read better. You have reminded me that Ru-bee said to read the message with a positive tone as well as the negative I just assume. See which one fits better and give a different context. I should have done that. I’m sorry. I need to try harder. No wonder I’m in trouble all the time.

I get it now and I’m sorry. It’s hard that you can’t read the tone in a message. I had a rough day (and still feeling it today) He asked if I had ever been SA’d and I had to say yes and describe what happened. It was kinda dismissed as it wasn’t what he was looking for. So it makes me feel like it didn’t matter and wasn’t important. I get that it was irrelevant after I said it. I should have just said no. It brought it all back up again and reminded me that it was my fault. 

Thanks for not giving up on me. Sorry I failed you. I’ll try and do better. 

Just explaining why I took it the way I took it. 

Im suppose to mow the lawn but Im doing self care this morning. Maybe that will help. I may mow the lawn this afternoon. See how I feel. Plus I need to clean the house. I want a whole self care day tomorrow and not do anything else. I think I need a rest. It’s been a full on week with holidays and the appointment. Especially with having to go and have surgery, I’m petrified of hospitals and it’s a general anaesthetic so I’ll probably wake up sick and then have to travel an hour and a half home.  At least I’ll see my psych for the first time in 8 weeks the week before. She may help give me some calming things to do. I am scared. Plus I don’t want to have to go through the pain and daily spotting for months. 

I’ve also been doing alarms labeled to help me remember things. I failed yesterday, my alarm went off for my afternoon meds and I turned it off as I was doing something and then still forgot to go and take my meds. I’m pretty useless. I mean I feel pretty useless. 

Sorry just so much to deal with right now. I’m just struggling a little or should I really say a lot. 

I hope this is recovery focused. If not please let me know where I have gone wrong and how to fix it. Please don’t just ban me. 

That’s a Jynx ramble! 😂 

[Jynx]

Hey @Captain24!

You didn't fail me hun. That is... incredibly harsh language you know. And I already knew that that's exactly what happened, because I understand how trauma-brain works. Especially when I've accidentally used the same language your mother uses to be dismissive - I mean it's no wonder your brain immediately hit the guilt button. 

It's okay, seriously. 

Sometimes one of the hardest parts of this whole process, and recovery in general, is not being so harsh on ourselves when we make mistakes or struggle with learning the new skills. You don't need to berate yourself over this 💜

Self care day sounds like a good idea. What is that gonna look like? 

The anxiety for this surgery would be huge hun - but we got your back 😊

I do that with alarms too LOL it will get me from time to time 😅

But like, this is kinda just part of ADHD brain, and again it's not something to criticise yourself over. I do it too. All I can do is be patient with myself, or ask for patience from those around me. But being impacted by my disability is not something I need to punish myself for, cos I can't help it - nor can you 😉

Hehe nice. We love a good ramble!!

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

I know it’s harsh but it’s how I feel. I hate myself and have t been able to change that or lessen it in the slightest. When you are constantly spoken to harshly it just becomes second nature. I do have to try and think that when others say stuff to me maybe it isn’t as harsh as I think but that’s hard too. I just expect harsh as that’s what I’ve gotten all my life. Maybe it’s the whole rejection thing. They are harsh because they are rejecting me. Maybe I am harsh as I’m rejecting myself because of the hatred. I don’t know. 

Thank you for understanding it means a lot to know you don’t think I’ve failed you and you knew why I went down the wrong path. I have to try and see things another way not just negative. 

I bought some 3D puzzles while I was away so I want to do them. I also got a Lego kit so I’d like to do that too. Plus I got those pick-em fidget things where you pick stones out of silicone, I’ve kept the stones and I’d like to put them in resin coasters. Now that the weather has warmed up the resin should be easier to handle. That sounds like a full day. But I haven’t finished everything today yet. I still have to mow the front lawn and clean the house. I sat and soon scrolled a lot today and procrastinated most of the day away. It was stupid of me as I know have a lot to do to have tomorrow to myself. I haven’t had a self care day in a long time. I’ve always put pressure on myself to do things. Like today. 

Im anxious now, what am I going to be like when it’s closer. Plus I think I have a skin cancer on my wrist and mum said there is a red spot the same on my back too. I do see my dermatologist on Monday though so she will tell me and will cut them out if they are. That’s ok though as it’s just a few stitches it’s just that it’s the arm I do everything with in the truck so I’ll be using it a lot! I could be reading into something that it’s not it’s just a strange mark that went from a dog to a 1cm roundish shape in a couple of weeks! 

I just feel useless that I turned it off and didn’t do it. Today when my alarm went off I let it keep going until I took them! Maybe that will work in future! I get that it’s part of it all. 

I started mowing my back lawn and thought to myself that I needed to go to the toilet but I just thought I’d finish one part and then go. Instead I did the whole backyard in one hit and forgot. I came inside after finishing and got a drink and then realised I was busting. I just thought to myself ADHD brain.. I actually have never done the whole backyard without stopping. 

Im trying to recognise that things involved with ADHD is not my fault it’s just what it is but I get really frustrated with myself. Like going into the pantry and forgetting what I was in there for then going back again then I remember that I actually wanted a drink an I should have gone to the fridge. Remembering stuff is the worst. 

Im getting good at these rambles.. you have taught me well!!! 😜 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ooh, you're onto it hun - 

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@Captain24 wrote:

I just expect harsh as that’s what I’ve gotten all my life. Maybe it’s the whole rejection thing. They are harsh because they are rejecting me. Maybe I am harsh as I’m rejecting myself because of the hatred. I don’t know. 

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So I'm jus gonna info-dump about the fact that as kids, we're basically sponges. Wet clay. Blank slates. So growing up, if your experience with the predominant adults in your life was one where every action was analysed and potentially criticised, where you were spoken to harshly and dismissively, it creates a kind of schema in our core beliefs that this is just how everyone treats everyone else. You learned that not just in your mind but in your body.

So yes, you're only rejecting yourself because you were taught to believe that you ought to be rejected, for things like simple mistakes or displays of emotion etc. - which is why your reaction of feeling rejected when I used the same language your mum uses to be dismissive, didn't surprise me in the slightest. You might know in your mind now that it's not the truth, but your body still felt that rejection, and so it makes sense that you then automatically turn to berating yourself - because it's a familiar response to that feeling of rejection. 

Healing work is uncomfortable because we are breaking free of familiar, yet destructive, patterns of thinking and behaviour. The one you are currently trying to teach your body is that not everyone in the world is like the adults you had around you growing up - it's hard work!! You're doing so well though, so proud of you for this reflection 💜

Hey, the Doom-scroll is a dopamine trap - it is much harder for us to break free of it. Guilty as charged ahaha. Those craft projects sound amazing though! What do you do with resin? 👀

Oh yikes, fingers crossed they're benign or a quick fix 🤞 And thank you for reminding me to get my skin checked 😅

Yeah I've started to do that too - won't let myself turn off an alarm until the thing is done, or at least initiated to a point of no return (like once the meds are out of the packaging, not just when the package is in my hand cos *blink* wait where'd it go? It...it was in my hand two seconds ago... 🤣). If the thing is super important, I set two alarms 😋

Oh mooood the frustration is so real. My memory is atrocious and it's hard not to get super irritated when I forget important or special things. Learning to manage our frustration is also made difficult by the fact that we can have a 'short fuse' - i.e. quick to anger. The lucky part is that it tends to be quick to fade. Learning to sit with the frustration is an ongoing process I think. It does get easier though as you go along and can more and more be able to remove that sense of self-doubt and self-criticism by reassuring ourselves 'it's not a personal failing, it's just my brain trying to be a funky lil hunter-gatherer but instead is crammed into overstimulating hyper-productivity world' (aka the social model of disability). 

Oh hot tip I'm trialling (and so far it works!) - if you go into a room (or open the fridge) and forget why you went in, close your eyes and try to picture where you were when you first had the thought/idea. For me this seems to help - then I don't have to wander aimlessly around the house 🤣

[Captain24]

How do I stop reacting so badly to perceived rejection @Jynx. I was actually crying last night because I thought I had failed you and frustrated you. I respect you and felt I had let you down. It upset me immensely. This happens in life too. I now know that you meant it in a good way but yes I still feel it. 

How do I stop rejecting myself? How do I stop the self hatred. It’s so imbedded in me that I can’t see it lifting. How do I stop being so harsh on myself. I’m never good enough and never do anything right in my own eyes. 

Doom scrolling accomplished nothing. It left me starting my job list at 3:30. From then until now I haven’t stopped. I’ve whipper snippered and mowed the front and back lawns, cleaned my whole house and had a shower and washed my hair. I still have to dry it. If I had have done all this earlier I would feel so tired and sick now. I could have had the afternoon to myself. 

I hope they help me feel a little better. Accomplishing something that isn’t chores. I just have resin coasters hanging around! If you need a coaster I have one or two 😜 I’m starting to get more confident in trying different things. Maybe over the warmer months I might get better at it. It’s not overly easy. The resin has to be at the right temperature, both A and B parts have to be measured equally and stirred to combine and have no air bubbles. Then they take 24 hrs to dry at the right temperature! It’s fiddly but some of it turns out ok. 

I guess I’ll just wait and see what Monday brings, it could be nothing. I get my skin checked every year by her. I have to see her for my vitiligo and see if it’s spreading. So far this year it hasn’t so it’ll just be a very expensive skin checked every year. I’ve reached the Medicare threshold though so I’ll get most of it back. 

It’s just all consuming. I need to focus on the it’s my brain not me. Anger is an issue. I hold it internally not externally so it becomes something else that I blame myself for and hate myself for. 

I can try that and see how it goes. I usually don’t allow myself the time as I just walk out annoyed or forget that I was just in there until I come out again. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I think I have more rambles than I have time at present, so should we pop a pin in this one for now? And like even if we don't get time tomorrow, you can always ask the community or other peer workers to get a variety of perspectives. Which is also important, so we can feel empowered to try the things or take the steps that feel best for us 😊 There's no single 'right' way for a person to move through recovery after all! 

Okay I am lowkey fascinated with resin - if you felt like sharing pics, feel free! But also no pressure haha sometimes I don't feel like showing my art off 😋

Nighty night hun, hopefully catch you tomorrow 💜

[Captain24]

It’s ok. @Jynx. I asked too much anyway. If you don’t get time it doesn’t matter. Maybe I’ll just never move forward. I will never accept myself. I am who I am I guess. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you didn't ask too much, I just quite literally ran out of time! So unless you can control time, there's no need for you to be hard on yourself about expressing your curiosity!

Anyway, how you going? Wanna talk deep stuff or keep it casual this arvo?