I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I just got home from work @Jynx. An hour late! 

That first meme sums it up perfectly. It’s basically what I wrote! I’ve always struggled with it. It exhausts me and I feel stupid  sure I can’t get my act together. 

I thought of something today. People remember stuff. They remember that they need a new book for the truck. They remember what they need. I don’t. I don’t remember anything. That also makes me feel dumb.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yikes, a rough one hey! Glad you're home now 💜

Ohhhh hun BIGGEST solidarity on that one. My memory is absolutely shocking, and I know how distressing it is when it feels like it should have been 'easy' to remember. 

For neurotypicals, maybe it is! But we simply cannot judge ourselves by their standards. I think if some of em were to try living even a single day with our brain chemistry they would completely flounder 😂

This is also why I have like a bajillion daily/weekly alarms set - or I'd forget to take meds, brush teeth, feed cats, do stretches, etc., heck even remembering to be at work on time each shift - all of it would get missed or forgotten quite often if I didn't have that external time-keeper/reminder. 

My one little 'silver lining' of my crappy memory is that I can watch movies a second time a year later and it's like watching a new film again 😅

[Captain24]

Yeah it was shit @Jynx. I did stupid stuff. I drove past the digger without getting a load. I backed up to the dump in the dumbest spot. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just all over the place. 

I do compare myself. I’m like, what can’t I just do that, why doesn’t that work for me? I know it’s the way I’m wired but it’s hard. I don’t have anyone around that gets it or that I can compare too. I’m just so lucky I have you. 

If I set an alarm I would forget what it’s for. I set one for work but I have to get up early and once I’m asleep I don’t wake up easily. But I do have to check numerous times that I have set it and double and triple check that I have the days right. 

I usually remember to feed the dogs as Pix asks for her meals. I forget so much though. 

That’s true about movies! People ask me if I’ve seen a movie and I won’t remember whether I have or not and totally don’t remember the story line or quotes. People have conversations in a movie and I have no idea what they are talking about! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 it'll probably take a little time to stop automatically comparing yourself to NTs, and gently remind yourself that exact thing - differently wired, different strengths. 

Glad that we can be here for you and help you get a bit more understanding 😊 I hope you meet some cool ND peeps to hang out with who 'get it' too 💜

You can't label your alarms? I just use my phone so I can remind myself what I'm reminding myself of 😂

Hahaha yep I'll be like 'nope never seen that film' then as I'm watching I'll be like....HMMMM THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR

But still not guess the ending 🤣

[Captain24]

I’m really down on myself right now about it all @Jynx. What could have been if everything was diagnosed earlier in life. It’s like a grief of what life could have been. Not only has my childhood shaped my life in a negative way so has all of this. What have I missed out on? Who could I have been?

I know it’s stupid but I have lots of unanswerable questions and just questioning everything. 

I won’t meet anyone. I don’t put myself out there and kinda don’t want to put myself out there. No one ever ‘gets’ me so I just withdraw and hide. I’ve lost the ability to be able to communicate and I’ve lost the will too. 

Just checked and I can label my alarms. Maybe I should look into that. 

I can watch a movie in the afternoon and have no idea what it was called by the evening or maybe even during the film. I hate that I can’t remember even that simple stuff.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 that's a pretty common grief amongst us late-diagnosed folks. It is not only the grief of what we could have done if we'd known, but also learning that... this is just how we are. It can be soooo tough to process all of that, so please don't feel like there's something wrong with feeling this sense of loss 💜

Having questions (even seemingly obvious ones) doesn't make you stupid it makes you curious!! I'd be curious my own self to know what some of them are! Take your time though, no obligation to share. 

But, just gonna gently point out, that there are people who would and could 'get you' (evidenced by how many on the forums can relate to your experiences, myself included), so if you never put yourself out there, you deny yourself the opportunity to find those people. I'm not saying that you need to be throwing yourself into uncomfortable situations like a night club or something, but more just that I myself spent a lot of years very closed off and I realised that I was putting up barriers to people wanting to approach me, even those people that I would have gotten along well with.

One step at a time though eh? I also needed to work a bit more on my self-acceptance and self-esteem before I was able to put myself out there more authentically. So don't stress to much if none of this feels doable right now. 

How's your Sunday going anyway? You might be at work haha 

[Captain24]

I’m 48 @Jynx. So I’ve lost a lot. I see so much of why I am like I am. While it’s good to have the understanding I’m embarrassed about what I do and say. The shame is real. It’s like it’s really just hit me. I laughed and joked about it a couple of weeks ago when diagnosed but now it’s different. 

Why was everything missed. I’ve been going to doctors since I was 22 about depression and no one cared. I told them that I was suicidal and all I got was everyone feels like that at times. No one ever listened until 4 years ago. Then my whole world changed. 

Why was I born this way? Did I do something to deserve it all? What have I done wrong? Some of my unanswerable questions. 

I have zero self-esteem. Like it doesn’t even register. I have those barriers and they are thick. It’s hard to know where to go to find people. It’s a really small place. Plus I’m old. Oh btw there is no night clubs! 😜

Work was f@cking fantastic (read with sarcasm) I cried. It was really dusty so I asked everyone to slow down then immediately called my boss and said that’s what I had done and apparently that’s not my call to make. People had been doing it all day but I’m the one that got into trouble. Then where we get water for the water carts had a switch that kept tripping. I was told just to get out and untrip it. Supposedly it’s safety first. I guess not when it’s me. I guess I’m just useless. I care at work and not many do but now I can’t see the point. Doing the right thing just gets you into trouble. 

Im really struggling badly right now. 

[ArraDreaming]

Hi cap

[Captain24]

I asked you to please not comment on this thread. Please

[Captain24]