I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It is hard work @Jynx and I push myself so hard. I make myself do chores even when I’m struggling and I make myself go to work. I work 62 1/2 hours in 5 days. It’s not easy to do. I think people think that I’m ok cause I can do it. I do feel judged on here a little bit that I’m not as bad as them because I do this stuff. 

I do like the simpsons, it’s definitely for all ages! I haven’t watched it in a while though. Maybe that’s something I can do when I need some help. 

Im having baked veggies with a butter chicken parcel that I got from the butcher shop. It’s wrapped in puff pastry. Plus some steam fresh veggies. Trying to eat properly and ignore that really loud voice that’s making it really hard for me at the moment. 

Some dishes is better than none! Good on you for doing your room though. I like when I do my room it feels more peaceful than having stuff cluttered everywhere. 

It’s not much but I want to get up and get in the shower and clean my teeth. (I haven’t showered since Thursday morning or cleaned my teeth since Thursday night) Then get dressed, make my bed, feed the dogs and have breakfast. I also want to have a hot lemon and honey drink of a morning so I’ll make it before I go to bed in one of those thermal bottles and it’ll be at a drinkable temperature! Also clean the kitchen benches and ensuite. That way I have achieved something for the day.

Then of a night I want to have dinner, go and have a shower, brush my teeth and get into my pj’s to settle for the night. 

At hospital, one weekends they do a staying well program for when leaving. One of the things they suggest is ACE Achievement, Connection and Enjoyment. I think that’s where needing to earn rest or fun stuff comes from. But that’s what I’m working on.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I can't speak for those in the real who have potentially contributed to this feeling, but I promise you that no one here is judging you for how much you work. I've definitely had conversations with similar themes (about looking functional from the outside and not being taken seriously because of it) with a number of our regular members. That's the stigma creeping in again - one of the oldest and most insidious ones too, this notion that unless you're having a full-fledged menty b, you are fine. 

But see, the person who copes with overwhelming distress by throwing themself into work/activities/dating/etc so wholly that they lose themself along the way, that person is still 'productive' - so they couldn't possibly be oh, idk, suffering the whole time or completely losing touch with themself or anything, no no. 

Sarcastic rant over. Point is, from where I'm sitting you are nothing short of an inspiration - to be managing the mental battles and still work so much AND find time to keep the house spick n span? Wowsers! 

Add 'Simpsons' to your safety plan haha

Sounds like a lot!! I know when I'm trying to change or build new habits, if I try to do it all at once I usually end up giving up from overwhelm pretty quickly. Do you already do some of these things every morning? Maybe you could introduce them one at a time? I think I read somewhere it takes 60 days of repetition to begin forming a new habit sooo.... a new one every couple months?

Correct me if I'm misunderstanding you, but does the ACE thing sorta feel like you gotta do the A before you can do the C, and both of those before you get the E? Cos idk if that's how it's meant to work. 

[Captain24]

Thanks for saying that @Jynx. It does feel like I’m not taken seriously. But I live in my own and there is no one else to do anything. I’ve got no one to rely on. Which is also a good thing. I do still feel judged though. I also think that I do it to ‘lose’ myself as you said. But I also feel the need to achieve something so that it shows I’m trying. I push myself too hard though and it’s not healthy and it doesn’t result in healthy consequences. 

I should.. it’s not a bad idea actually! 

I want a routine so that I don’t just bed rot for the next 4 weeks. I do have breakfast some mornings and I do clean the kitchen some mornings. It’s worth trying though. The shower is the hardest thing to do but if I can talk myself into it I’m hoping it’ll start my day right. I do have a job list to do everyday until next Monday. Some are big things though. 

It’s not how it’s meant to work. You should have even amounts in each day to stay well. I use here as my connection as I think that counts. I beat myself up if I don’t achieve what I want to achieve though. Which then in turn stops me from the E.

I need to be more careful with myself but I just put so much pressure on myself. I know, I'm just stupid. I do hate myself for it. The overwhelm brings me unstuck but so does the not achieving. I just can’t win. Plus withdrawals on top of it all, it’s a lot. I don’t know how to let myself just be. I’m hoping with the above routine that it’ll make me feel like I have achieved something even if everything else doesn’t fall into place. But I can’t see myself accepting that. I feel like not achieving is letting my MI win. If I’m pushing myself to be busy then maybe I’ll forget that my deepest wish is to not be alive. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 shows who that you're trying? Just curious if that is for like, family, for your supports, for the community here... or if it's a pressure coming from within? 

Maybe it's not about giving up on trying to achieve things every day, but more about setting expectations that feel approachable? 

Also... you say you can't win, and you don't wanna let your MI win.... but why does there need to be winning and losing at all? Maybe that's part of why it's so difficult to 'just be'... Food for thought. 

PS, just in my personal Jynxy brain I am baffled by the desire to clean your shower every day? Do you roll in the mud first each morning or what? I mean I know I could probably stand to clean mine more than once a month but every day feels like A LOT. But like if you like having an extra shiny shower then you do you babe 😜

[Captain24]

A lot of proving that I’m trying is actually on here @Jynx. Trying to prove I’m recovery focused. It actually stresses me out a lot to think that you guys don’t think I’m trying hard enough and don’t deserve support. Also trying to prove to myself. My psych doesn’t need to know what I have and haven’t done for proof. She sees things all the time that I’m trying and points them out to me. 

I need to make it more approachable. Some of the big things I want to do are like cleaning out my walk in. But I’ve separated it into the floor one day, the top shelves another day, the hanging and then the regular shelves. Also the tall boy drawers one day and the other drawers another day. The biggest thing stressing me out is whipper snippering the yard and mowing. 

I think the winning and losing stems from childhood. If I wasn’t number 1 it meant I lost and that wasn’t good enough. I feel like I’m not good enough if I don’t give it my all. If it’s anything less than perfect then it’s not ok. 

I just wipe it out with a squeegee and the screen too. Plus I clean the toilet and vanity. No one sees it so it shouldn’t matter. You walk from a clean hallway past a walk in robe that has so much shit that the door doesn’t shut. To my bedroom with dirty clothes and pillows all over the floor to a clean ensuite. Go figure. I think that stems from childhood too. Mum cleans everyday. The kitchen, the dusting, the vanity, vacuums, sweeps the floor. However the shower is so full of mould it’s disgusting and I won’t touch anything. I don’t want my shower to end up like that. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you... still got it wrong hun. It's okay, I will try again, eventually something will sink in and it'll click. 

Recovery focused does NOT mean that you need to pretend to be doing better than you are. It does NOT mean that we need you to prove anything to us, let alone that you belong here. It does NOT mean that you need to do anything (other than exist) to deserve support. 

It is about the community knowing that you are okay, or working towards it (which you always are, as far as I've seen). It's about creating an opportunity to shift your focus just by sharing. 

I dunno if I have time to think up and type out any examples but if you wanna chat about it more tomorrow, lemme know. 

You have a knack for goal-setting, wow. I am definitely taking notes hehe. I can totally imagine the yard being a big dark cloud of stress hey. With the tail end of winter hanging on it means warm weather and longer grass just round the corner. How much have you been able to go out in the winter? Is knowing they're all likely asleep in a hole somewhere for the cold months a comforting thought, or is the fear still too much? Also feel free to pin this whole convo as well, I know it's a big feelings one. 

I wonder if there's a way you could learn to embrace losing? If you give it your all and still lose, that is not failure, sometimes that is just life. Maybe it's okay to not equate your self-worth on whether you win or not? Maybe you're a fish and you keep getting harsh on yourself for not being able to climb trees. 

[Captain24]

It’s a big one and I’m scared to let you down @Jynx. I have a lot of support with accountability buddies and I appreciate that a lot. I’m just scared of failing. I feel like everything has to be earnt. Nothing is given unless you have earnt it. 

I know that they are in a hole somewhere but it still scares me. I’ve been lucky mostly as the frost has killed the grass so it hasn’t grown much just lots of clover. The fear is real and I need to get everything under control before they breed and there is so many more of them. What if they come back. What if they get my digs? What if they come inside? I can’t even look at pictures of them. 

I feel like I wouldn’t cope with losing. I’d be a bigger loser than I already am. I do know that I need to be nicer to myself but I don’t know how. So to me that’s a failure too. Yep.. I feel like I’m that fish. I feel like it when I push myself daily, when I push myself to go to work, all the time. I have big demands on myself. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Yeah let's chat on it more tomorrow hun! Cos you don't have to earn squat diddly lol.

Here's what I'm tryna get at hun - losing ≠ being a loser.

Note that equals sign is CROSSED OUT. 

Anyway, I really gotta fly before I start writing a super big ramble (just deleted half a paragraph cos I am already over time!! Ooopsie)

Nighty night hun, hope you have good sleepies and good luck on ya morning routine!! 

💜

[Captain24]

It’s hard to change the fact that I need to earn stuff. @Jynx. It’s always been that way. Everything in life needs to be earnt. I don’t know how to undo that. 

I did notice the crossed out equal sign. After being told your whole life that you’re a loser that is a tough one to change. These are things imbedded deep that until now I didn’t realise were there or were not normal. To be it’s just a given. 

My morning routine went ok I just shuffled it a little but. It makes more sense to have a shower and clean my teeth after breakfast! Stupid me. I took some talking myself into it but I do feel better for it. While I don’t go to my room much just knowing that it’s tidier is a good feeling. All I did was a load of washing and make my bed but I feel that it’s refreshing. 

It’s nice to have showered and then I cleaned out the fridge and cleaned the shelves. I can’t remember the last time that I did that. The kitchen is clean and everything is packed away and the floors are all clean. I’m ok with anyone coming into my house. Not that anyone will.

I have earnt time to myself to do some stuff. It’ll probably just be Lego but that’s ok. I want to do my paint by numbers but I don’t know where to start. Like do I start at the top and work down? Do I just sit there and do everything of one colour? Do I do it in chunks? It’s stressing me a little. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24! 

I know my favourite way to do a paint by number is to do it colour by colour 😊