@AuntGlow
The veil has fallen.
I have seen the deep pattern that I sought in FP.
The repetition of the familiarity with the lack from which my mother was unable to provide.
Xmas eve, all core wounds were triggered. FP was not attuned to a single one, escalated the intensity.
Ended up in ED.
Was bounced from there the following morning.
Sought support via private clinic. Those places are not for acute crisis and do not hide that they are a money grab.
Removed myself from there when no support was provided despite and appointment being set.
Engaged HOPE team (for those in Melbourne, you may be aware of this). They are angels.
Was able to see my psych on short notice.
Stayed with a friend for a few days.
Found out who really was ready to take to action vs platitudes.
FP offered nothing but empty words.
I set a boundary.
Received a manipulative, ultimatum based text yesterday. Showed true colours.
Needless to say, that is over, I refuse to continue to cycle with false idols.
My intention, to not get sucked into the strong self belief and charisma of those who claim they know the way.
To recognise what it is like when people REALLY show up.
To not budge when my abandonment fear is screaming, knowing it will only continue the cycle.
Surface level masked as deep understanding and spiritual alignment is intoxicating, yet a false idol.
The drive towards familiarity has perpetuated my pain for years.
I refuse to continue this. I am not responsible for others emotions.
I see the few who have turned up for me.
Not with hallmark comments, but with action. With offerings of support, with deep understanding, with background efforts to understand quiet bpd, with questions around what I need, with acceptance of the tears and pain. They do not diminish or placate me.
They have sat in silence which me as my nervous system shuts down. They have patiently listening to me as tears stream from my eyes, not with promises or cliche's, but with presence of understanding.
I am staring at a lifetime of trauma and patterns and pain all at once. Constantly jumping out at me.
So my intention, is to continue with the therapeutic path and ignore the washiness of those who cannot be present. I will not explain myself to those unattuned.
My world has gotten smaller, but the strength is those few is unparalleled.
