Lived Experience Forum

[MoonGal]

@Former-Member and @Appleblossom (and @Pebbles)
Dear friends, thank you. I have stabilised very quickly again, after three days back on the usual dose. It did not ever occur to me to just go slowly say cut down by 1 quarter. I am an ALL or nothing kind of gal and it is obvious to me the cut by half the daily dose was too much. I might give it a couple of weeks to stabalise, then talk to my Doctor again, and perhaps I could try cutting  down less, and see how that goes.

When I speak to my psychologist next week we are going to look at ways to get me a bit more community connected, so baby steps and finding the thing that will suit me.

@Appleblossom - TPD = Totally and Permanently Disabled, an insurance/work term, that is the result of back injury and mental illnesses for me. Living with Bi Polar, cPTSD, OCD and Anxiety, plus Chronic sensitised pain syndrome (lower back and fibro like symptoms) each one pings off the other and I can become a squirrrelly mess in no time - or be doing really well for a few days, even a week or so, then BANG - something sets me off-kilter and I am helter-skelter for weeks or months. It is very uneven and makes me totally unreliable now as an employee.

I managed okay before I did my back in, after that everything unravelled. I tried so hard to renegage in the workforce, taking casual positions - working way below my capacity - but then I would just fall over mentally and physically and each time, I lost confidence, each time I found myself taking longer to be able to pick myself up. The decison to seek a TPD payout was not taken lightly and took nearly five years to win the case. I feel that my unstructured time at home means I lean in to procrastination and hopelessness. If I CAN pick up something to give me a purpose in life that will be very good for me, but right now I just cannot think of what might be a suitable engagement in terms of a few hours volunteering, or being part of 'something'.

Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope @Former-Member, good to know that if one pushes a bit outside the comfort zone it pays off, I will endeavour to remember that.

[Appleblossom]

@MoonGal Sorry you had to explain.

It is very hard getting back into workforce. Easier to get a job from a having a job.

I think you may have explained the physical and mental health issues, years ago and I used to know TPD when I worked at Social Security but that was the early 1980s for me.  

It actually makes a huge difference to have some outside belonging.  Are there no charities or common interest, miniature railway or land care groups you could join?

I know it is hard to work under people if they are unskilled managers.

Re med reduction.  I am taking it very seriously that it needs to happen in minute doses.  Even the medication I give my cat cannot be stopped suddenly.  Could stress him out with fatal consequences.

I used to push myself too hard in all ways, and think it was about determination or commitment etc, but by the gentle approach my current psychiatrist is taking. I can tell that the complexity of the bodily interactions is so intense ... its best to go slow.  

Hoping you feel the urge to do some creative work.

[Former-Member]

Your very welcome dear @MoonGal. Sounds like a good plan you have - please keep us updated with how everything goes for you. Thinking of you 😊

[MoonGal]

(May be triggering).
A few weeks on...

READY

Every morning
upon awakening
my heart still beats
my lungs still breathe.
I don’t know how
I keep on keeping on.
This body is industrious
in keeping me alive.
My brain, part of the whole
seems to operate
as an alien.
This past harm an
Unidentified Flying Object
in the Space of me.

So, there, in bed,
warm and rested,
opening eyes to a lovely room
full of Africana bought home
from our adventures.
I open my eyes and for a moment the
soft light through the curtains
welcomes me to the day
then
My trauma brain
kicks in
and every bad thing
that ever happened to me
swirls in a cyclonic storm.
My slow heart beat quickens
my slow breathing hastens.
It is as if it is
happening again.
Again.

I want to be free of this.
Do whatever it takes.
(One way is to die.
But I haven’t yet and
while I reserve that
right in the future
I will not go there, now.)

Now.
I will seek the resources and
help that in this age
have finally arrived for us
Survivors.

I have dug about in
the shit heap of my past enough.
I have even recovered that little Jude,
so she laughs and dances
some days…
We can feel emotions
and express them freely.
Expression. Joy.

But the news does me in,
Triggered.
A word laughed at
and misunderstood
by those who have
never experienced it.
The Inquiries on the news
bought day after punishing day of memories
flooding back.
It is good these things are exposed
it is hard for survivors.
The institutional rape culture,
Not my story exactly.
But part of my story too.
No redress for me though.
Triggered by
innocuous things, too.
A smell, a person, a name.
A story.

I want to be free,
I want to leap and bound
and laugh, free.
Free.
From ever present thoughts
and memories.
Free.
I want to be all of me,
not the shell I am
protecting self at the slightest
perceived criticism.
Some days, too many...
Hiding and cringing
in self-disgust and
never ending shame.

I have done so much work on this,
a lifetime
in and out of Psychologist’s offices
then found a woman
who resonated.
We worked.
Diligently.
I was freed up and could see the light.
Even stopped biting my nails
for the first time since I was four.
Imagine!

But Now
triggers and memories
return every morning.
Again.
All day, the wasps sting.
Started nibbling my nails.
Unless I am playing video games
or reading, or gardening.
But even then a sudden
intrusive thought
will sweep me away
from enjoyment.
I need to find my centre.
My heart beating slowly.
My breath soft.

I seek an antidote to what ails me.
And once more will step up,
and throw myself into the river
and swim, to find the life buoy
of hope and recovery.
Swim toward the light.

I am ready for the freedom part.
Ready.
_____________

Me. 4 September 2018.

______________

BlueKnot came up in an advert online.
They know the childhood trauma process
Had a chat with their helpline this morning
and she gave me hope, perhaps there is a
way through and out.
Perhaps there is.

____________________

https://www.blueknot.org.au/
This video from Blue Knot is good: https://youtu.be/r-DV6MJx0PM
More here: https://www.blueknot.org.au/Survivors-Supporters/For-Survivors/Resources-for-Survivors

[MoonGal]

I spend the better part of every day battling my thoughts and memories. It is exhausting. I like the buddhism teachings (the eastern psychology not the religious 'side" of it) and recently 'got' something, that I had read, heard a hundred times before - but it was put in such a way on that day I HEARD it differently... 



"Our thoughts and feelings flow like a river. If we try to stop the flow of a river, we will meet the resistance of the water. It is better to flow with it, and then we may be able to guide it in ways we want it to go. We must not attempt to halt it.
Keep in mind that the river must flow and that we are going to follow it. We must be aware of every little stream that joins it. We must be aware of all the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that arise in us - of their birth, duration, and disappearance. Do you see? Now the resistance begins to disappear. The river of perceptions is still flowing, but no longer in darkness. It is now flowing in the sunlight of awareness. To keep this sun always shining inside of us, illuminating each rivulet, each pebble, each bend in the river, is the practice of meditation. To practice meditation is, first of all, to observe and to follow these details."
- Thich Nhat Hanh

So for the past few days I have been catching my thoughts and then witnessing them as they flow past like a river. I am finding though, what goes with that is a new clarity about just HOW MUCH TIME I spend in being squirrelled up in the thought processes, things trigger me - my own thoughts suddenly LEAP back to a memory or start obsessively ruminating on a 'problem'. I am glad I am seeing the stream of thoughts for what it is, and I know the buddhist perspective is to see without judgement, just witness with detachment (or love).

I want to find ways to get past the triggers, get past the obsessive thinking and everything I do to avoid the feelings, it seems insane to me to be constantly narrating my back story and expecting to feel better. I JUST WANT it all to stop.
Tired, over it. I want to enjoy the beautiful life I have.

[Shaz51]

sending you lots of hugs sister @MoonGal

Hello @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @CamilaWillaims

[Former-Member]

@MoonGal ❤️🌹

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @MoonGal  That quote is so good at making meditation processes clear.  

It helps give strategy for dealing with new  or particular thoughts as simply part of the flow.

I am going with being a product but not a prisoner of my past.  How to own it without it ruling me ...

I hope you get the best life possible and find plenty of compassion for the fullness of YOU.

[greenpea]

@Appleblossom@MoonGal 'I am going with being a product but not a prisoner of my past.  How to own it without it ruling me ...' Damn right!!!

[Appleblossom]

@greenpea 

Working on it ....

I saw Pirates of Penzance yesterday and I am going with

We dont know how orften we meet an orphan or ....similar silliness.