I took a week ofline to regroup and rethink stuff.
I saw my psych today. It was my final medication review. Things managed to go by without significant self harm over Easter and my bday. So we are both happy with my progress over the years. Next appointment I will officially discharged from public mental health services.
Emotionally I'm still all over the place, but im getting through it differently than I used to. It's weird how thinking back to even a few years ago how damaging I was and how invested to hurting myself or trying to end my suffering permanently.
My permanent solution was death at the time, now recovery took it place. My suffering and pain is lessening, hopefully the changes and healing I have been doing will be that permanent solution I was looking for.
I am sad for all the years I lost, lost to myself, barely surving wishing I wasn't. My 32 years so far full of pain, but here's to 32 more, hopefully less pain in them.
I can't change my past, I can't change what I've done in response to that pain in my past. But I can slowly chose a different way forward.
Life is hard, but despite that, it is astonishingly beautiful. They say the view from the top of mountain is stunning, but you still have to climb it to see the top. Without darkness we won't realise how bright the sun is, without pain we won't realise how valuable peace is. I'm not grateful for my pain, but I'm glad I can see that there is more to life than the pain. There is love, kindness, joy, beauty, and so much more that life can show us.
I dedicate my life to show others the endless possibilities before us. As an artist I have amazing opportunities to show how the is beauty to be found out there, we just have to look.
