Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pip]

@Anony18. Bf2 knows nothing about email from bf1, have no intention of telling him. No wish to hurt him as he has done nothing to deserve getting hurt. Bf2 won't find out about the email as he never checks my emails. All he knows about bf1 is what I told him. Eventually, as you said, my feelings for bf1 will fade. When love isn't reciprocated, feelings do die down. Do wish I hadn't met bf1, would've been easier to meet bf2 without 'ghost' there.

[Anony18]

@pip - completely understandable. At least bf2 is aware of bf1 so there is that honesty. It definitely would be easier to not have met bf1 to assist in your current relationship with bf2. However the people we meet, good or bad, are what makes us who we are and develops our expectation for who we end up seeking to be with. When I broke up with my ex I felt the same way for a fair while. I thought I would never meet anyone that could compare to him and I thought I wasted my 4 years. But looking back, the relationship thought me that I wanted to be with someone who was honest and also I don't think I would ever do long distance again. Plus I travelled parts of Europe I would not have done otherwise. 

[pip]

@Anony18. I had met 2nd bf at work, also knew 1st bf, but knew neither of them socially. Met 1st bf through another forum I was volunteering on, then met him at a function, we clicked immediately, It was only after working closer with 2nd bf, he asked me out.. I had told 2nd bf about 1st bf, he asked if we were still 'involved' I said no, 1st bf decided the distance was the problem. 2nd bf then asked me out, he is incredibly shy, so I was completely bowled over when he asked me to go out. 1st bf anything but. I wish I could feel as much for 2nd bf as I do for 1st, but you never feel the same for two different people. Sometimes I think 2nd bf is being cheated. They're both incredibly kind and caring. Finding similar qualities in two different men is unreal, makes it harder for me and 2nd bf. I sort of did initially compare them, but now I do appreciate 2nd bf for himself. He is HERE, 1st bf isn't. Here's hoping.

[Anony18]

@pip It is hard to feel the same for 2nd bf than 1st given you have spent more time with 1st and there are those feelings lingering. However the good thing is that you like 2nd bf and are appreciating him for his personality. Choosing to be with him cause of who he is and not just cause you don't want to be alone....if that makes sense. Don't compare the two (if you still are!) - it will be a never-ending battle. No one person is the same. Everyone has their good traits and their flaws. What makes a relationship work is accepting the flaws that the other has and still loving them inspite of it.

Take my example for instance - ex-bf was more reachable by phone than my current bf. My ex didn't have mental issues compared to current bf. But current bf is in same place than ex. And inspite of the current bf flaws, when we are physically together then his attention is 100% there. His phone no where in sight unless he is expecting an urgent message - which he will tell me. Also - I chose to be here for him to support him inspite of mental issues (hence on this thread). Of course he needs to want me to be here for him. Something have yet to chat about properly cause have yet see him. He has gotten a bit better by telling me how he hasn't been doing well cause of family issues. He was meant to come over Saturday but couldn't. He initiated it which was surprising but he took his Mum to hospital and something had happen which sucked big time! Oh how I miss him and wish could hug him.

On a side note - how are you feeling today? I am sufferring the normal Monday blues.

[pip]

@Anony18. My feelings for bf 2 are getting stronger because I see him a lot. I am still in touch with bf1, but it is slowly becoming a type of brotherly affection more so than bf/gf. I told bf 2 today that bf1 is still in touch and he was a bit miffed to start. Once I explained that nothing would ever happen and my love for him is intensifying, he was good. I would never cheat or hurt bf2 I'm not that sort of person. Once I commit, that's it. I told bf2 at the weekend that I love him and I do.

[HellonWheels]

Do you feel like you're carrying the relationship?

[Anony18]

@pip - Sorry have not responded past week. It has been a real hectic week at work. How are you feeling today? Much better I hope. Am so glad to hear that bf2 trusts you and you were honest with him. That is best way to be. 

@HellonWheels - Hello. Unsure whether you were talking to me or pip. 

[pip]

@Anony18. Slight change since I last posted regarding bf 2. May yet pull the pin. He stayed last night, we both went to bed feeling unwell, him because of injury sustained at work, me because of ongoing radium treatment making me feel tired and sluggish. I got up first this morning, discovered he'd left the door unlocked, it was shut, just not locked. When I asked him if he'd forgotten, he snapped that it didn't matter. I am living in a gated community, but I always feel safer when the door is locked. I didn't know what to say, I had this sort of crap with ex. I let it go, but he decided to go home as he wasn't feeling any better. I must admit, I was relieved when he went. My feelings are slightly mixed up at this point. My ex treated me like crap, I'm not taking it from a bf. I'll see how things go this week, but I sort of feel we may be better as work colleagues than in a relationship. He does make me laugh, and I do like him, but whether that's enough to build a relationship on? If he's taking me for granted already, the 'red light' seems to be 'flashing' a bit here.

[Anony18]

@pip - Oh no...did you ask him why he had snapped? If you didn't ask - maybe just speak to him cause it may have been a bigger issue that is bothering him that he isn't telling you. We tend to take our frustrations out on the people we love.Does not make it right but it is human nature. Alternatively - bf2 may think it isn't a big deal cause you live in a gated place but end of day it is really what makes you feel safe. I know how you feel though cause I get paranoid as well. Guess the only way to know is just talking to him. You both are in early stages of relationships which is the part where you iron out all the various traits and conflicts. I would say definitely assess how this week goes and if you think he is taking you for granted then reassess whether it is best to remain work colleagues or not.  

Do let me know how you go. I am here to chat 

Anony

[pip]

@Anony18. Another very close male friend suggested that perhaps bf2 might not have been aware of my need to have the door locked. Neither of us was well this morning, so perhaps we both just over-reacted. I will hear from him, he'll probably send me a bunch of flowers with a 'sorry' note. I do intend to try to explain my need for the door to be locked though. Our tastes in t.v and music differ incredibly, he likes blood and gore type programmes where I'm more the historical type. Musically he likes J. Barnes, Meatloaf. I prefer Celine Dion, John Farnham. I also like the 60's music, he wrinkles his nose. If our differences are too great, we may have to either reach a compromise or have another look. Neither of us is interested in marriage, I will never re-marry. After this, my 3rd marriage going pear-shaped, I don't think I am marriage material. My bf is definitely NOT marriage inclined.