Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Freesis]

Hi everyone,

My sister is undiagnosed BPD. The psychologist I saw on and off to cope with her behaviour over the years noted that it couldn't be confirmed unless she'd be properly diagnosed and of course that would never happen and everything was always someone else's fault. Having observed her behaviour for decades I was able to identify her patterns as being split across two subtypes: the Queen and the Bitch.

>I put up with her behaviour for as long as I could remember and her pattern was to phone extended family I was close too if I didn't do what she wanted, and then conduct a smear campaign with her as the victim. I would then receive phone calls from extended family I loved pressuring me to comply and since I loved them all, I wasn't prepared to lose them.

It finally took a year of counseling for me to make my decision to go 'no contact'. She'd made awful scenes at my daughter's a Christening and then her 1st birthday and it was the final straw.

>It was clear this was going to head down to the next generation with her children being treated as 'gods' and mine the 'poor country cousins'.....That's almost 10years ago and it's the best decision I ever made. I wish I'd done it decades earlier. I lost 1/2 of my family with the extended family who were conned by her depiction of me and refused to stay out of it all, sides with her.

It was painful but I came to realise that their inability to respect me or their relationships with me and stay out of it all since they never saw what really went on in another city where we lived, that my relationships with them weren't real. Haven't had any contact with them either and I have felt such freedom from being manipulated by my sister, Through their disapproval. My husband died suddenly last year leaving me with two small children and during the crisis and mess that followed, I didn't hear from my sister and I am so glad.my Mother's side of the family tried to make contact but I didn't want to be sucked back in or have my circumstances/ my husband gossiped about. My children's welfare came first and the three of us deserved more respect than that. In my case 'no contact' has made the difference between being constantly 'disapproved of' or nagged by my family since I refused to lie to them about how I felt and refused to discuss my sister- they simply aren't my values. <br><br>I am making it on my own with my children and the love of my Father's side of my family and it is the best thing for the children and myself. <br><br>It might have been easier to 'tow the line' but the resentment and anger would have destroyed my positivity and ability to be happy.<br><br>Cutting her out of my life has ensured that I have a decent one filled with the love of and for my children and my friends. <br><br>I am so so lucky to have been sensible enough to make that decision and have blossomed as a result.<br><br>I won't ever see her again and I am so so glad :))

[JoeTheLion]

Welcome to the forum Freesis.

Thanks for your very honest and thoughtful contribution. Sounds like you went through an awful time all those years back. Boundaries are so vital to live a peaceful life.

All the best

Joe

[pip]

Hi @Freesis. When you said your sister has BPD, are you saying borderline personality disorder, or bipolar. Your description also fits narcissism personality disorder with the Queen/Bitch personality traits. I'm sorry your sister has this disorder and keeping your distance is obviously the right choice to make. As you say the disorder is extremely hard to pinpoint as the person with the disorder often refuses to accept or admit to having the trait. Is your sister older or younger? People with this disorder usually believe they have to fight to be recognized as belonging to the family. It is a jealous/ insecurity feeling that they're unloved and unwanted. They usually believe that their siblings are loved more than them and they will do anything to cause disharmony in order to get the attention they crave. Would you be prepared to re-accept and reconcile if your sister accepts and gets the help she needs? You may have to consider this if your sister contacts you. The family who have decided to 'side' with her will have only heard what she wants them to believe. My dad's sister had similar personality traits and tried to make my mother believe the worst of me. My aunt and mother have passed without reconciling with me. However, like you, I have many friends who know and love me for who I am, so past opinions mean nothing.

[Nearly80]

I do congratulate you on your decisive step.  I found it a hard and painful business rejecting my family's value systems.  My mother sister and brother were all narcissists, their demands on me never changed and my needs were totally irrelevant.  Great damage was done to me by them until I was aged 29.  My greatest shame is that I never had a positive role model.  I forfeited abilities to talk, socialise, learning.  I am convinced it led to what I now call a 90% waste of my personal life.  I am full of profound remorse every day.  I now understand clearly how I stuffed up in so many ways, and why it all happened.

However from age 30 I cut off all contact with all of them.  Like you it's the best thing I ever did.  I lost some really bad people who abused me all the time, including sexual.

[pip]

Hi @Nearly80. I'm so sorry for the losses you've suffered. My role models were not good either, but since I've had my own kids, I've realized that my choices on their upbringing were mine. Because I didn't want my son behaving like my dad, or my daughter behaving like my mother, I kept them away till they knew how to behave. My dad died when my daughter was 7, so that was no real threat. My mother lived for another 20 years, but my kids had little contact, so instilling values in them was easy. Their paternal g'parents were amazing, so I was lucky. Like you, I 'wasted' time self blaming, feeling remorseful for mistakes I made. Now I look on every 'mistake' as a learning experience. There are no actual mistakes if we learn. If we continue to make repeated mistakes, then obviously we are not learning. Children err every day while they're growing because they're learning. They need discipline and they need to learn how to behave. If they are not disciplined or taught right from wrong, how can they learn. If they really push buttons to 'test' their boundaries, they need to know they've pushed too far. My kids were spanked if they pushed too hard. I never really 'laid' into them, if I did spank them, it was only after I calmed down. They seldom played up when I took them shopping, I would let them know they would be 'rewarded' for good behaviour and punished for bad. Punishment meant a smack on the arm or around the legs, I never just ignored them, that simply doesn't work. I aint perfect, far from it, but looking back on my childhood, I guess I didn't turn out too bad. I doubt you stuffed up that much ether. If you have children or managed to achieve something in your life that you really wanted, be proud of your achievements and view everything else as learning and growing within yourself.

[Nearly80]

Thank you Pip.  Your comments speak to my condition very well indeed.  Yes we have two kids who were brought up under a totally different value system.  They both went through the system emerging with their degrees.  They have both made a life for themselves in their own right.  I'm so proud of the great strengths of their personalities.  They are both great carers of and about their parents.  None of us ever shouted or attacked or used words like "you should" or "you aught."  No one was judgemental or implied it.

All this is the opposite to the destructive value system  where I came from!   However it bothers me greatly that what I'm saying is not taught by most parents or in any school.  There is nothing out there to teach how to build self confidence and self esteem.  Nearly80

[pip]

Hi @Nearly 80. Most of the kids today seem to be brought up expecting everything they want is theirs by 'right'. A lot of teaching the 'old fashioned' values don't exist because too many 'do-gooders' believe children can say and do exactly as they like. My kids were raised saying 'please' and 'thank you'. They were taught that if they didn't use their manners, nothing would gained. Kids today seem to go through life saying what they like. Rudeness and bad manners are 'in', respect is 'out'. My g'children used to 'push buttons' slightly, but when we ignored them, they realized pretty quick that rudeness got them 'silent' treatment. Parents today believe the education system is at fault, teachers say education starts at home. If parents and teachers pulled together more, kids would soon learn the correct way.

[Nearly80]

Thank you Pip for your last post.  We seem to have a lot of issues in common- would love to meet you!  But no we can't.  Having one's own family I found to be very rewarding, fulfilling and challenging.  I realised That I only met one other family who shared our parenting views.  I only ever was the custodians of our two kind.  I never owned them.  They grew up in the full knowing experience of not owing their parents anything.  This attitude determined how we grew to respect our kids all along and how they found they defacto respected us.  This is true to this day.  It's been a privilege and honour to have had them.  To this day I have not yet seen a/parents with this attitude.  This makes me feel quite sad and helpless.