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girlygirl25
Casual Contributor

My ex has anxiety and depression, I am trying to understand it and get closure on our breakup

I was with my ex- boyfriend for almost a year.  This was his first relationship ever and he is in his 20's.  I do understand a little of what is going on. When he was a baby his father left, when he was a toddler his mother started dating a man he really loved and eventually he started calling this man daddy.  The man was very affection to him.  My ex was very young and the man disappeared and it made my ex very sad and since he was young he didnt understand what was going on.  After, his mother started to date a man that she eventually married, but she hated him and the man was very mean and cold to my ex when he was young. BC of this he grew up avoiding people and never having a close relationship with anyone.  He woud get annoyed and resentful when people tried to get close to him. He was basically a loner and never could connect to anyone in any way. So I know where the anxiety and depression comes from. Also, his mother ignored his problems growing up, he had severe anxiety then. She sent him to see whack job therapists and she self prescribed herbal medicines. The worst part is, she is a therapist herself! He was diagnosed with every health problem imaginable. Was given medicine that made him feel like a zombie.  Years later, he did eventually overcome some problems, he has a career now (he could never hold a job) and has moved to another city and is living alone. He made a few friends.  This is where I come in. We started hanging out and eventually one thing led to another and we started dating. For the first 2.5 months of our relationship he lived in my apt and only went home once or twice but not for very long. I am not saying that was a good thing.  We had very good chemistry, have the same sense of humor, and just get along great overall.  There were times in our relationship when things felt a bit like a rollercoaster. From my perspective everything was going great.  I have had many relationships in the past, and I know I am not delusional. We would hang out, he would always be touching me and kissing me and cuddling with me. The way he looked at me I knew he was in love with me. But then he would tell me that for a FEW MONTHS he was thinking about things that were bothering him in the relationship. I was upset because how does he go a few months without telling me whats bothering him? But he told me that he has a lot of passing thoughts and he has to filter them out and try to rationalize them before he can express them. The things he brought up weren't that major. So then we would go back and repeat the cycle. It eventually made me feel like I could not be happy or secure in the relationship. After one great weekend with him, I was at work and felt so in love. But I had to tell myself that I can't let myself feel this, bc I know in a week or two he is going to tell me about some thoughts he had that make no sense to me. So he eventually did. Now he tells me that he can't emotionally connect with me and its causing him physical problems. I didn't have any clue what he was talking about. He is so affectionate to me and connects with me all the time. Can he not see it? Is it bc he has been unhappy his entire life and he can't even bear to be happy? So it made me think that he was pretending, bc that was the only thing I could think of to comprehend this. But he told me that he isn't even capable of that (I beleive him) and that he does really love me. When he told me he was having anxiety over the fact he couldn't connect, I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. I have suggested breaking up twice and I got the same answer. I told him that if we dont talk about what he feels, we are not going to last much longer.  I basicailly predicted that we would break up. That he would start thinking about something, not tell me and then two months later come to me and say he wants to break up. And this is exactly what he did! I have given him every opportunity to tell me his problems, to try and talk about them, and to break up so that it would ease his anxiety. I have asked to him to go see a therapist, to shop around and see what fits. But he refuses.  He has a fear of doctors (and I guess with good reason given his past). I asked him to do it for himself not even for our relationship. I am fine with breaking up, things were't working out. He started avoiding me and avoiding our friends. He says he is afraid to go to sleep for fear of the next day, so he goes to bed at 7am and wakes up at 4 or 5 pm. I understand, how can we have a relationship like that. But what I don't get is why can he not see when he is happy? Why does he tell me he can't emotionally connect with me when he obviously does? Why won't he go get help? He doesn't have to live like this. He knows he is unhappy, but won't try anything. I know he has to be willing to help himself, but I care about him and I want to know if there is anything I can do for him.

Thank you for reading.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: My ex has anxiety and depression, I am trying to understand it and get closure on our breakup

Hi @girlygirl25 seems like a lot has happened for your ex-boyfriend which can affect a lot of aspects of life - including having relationships. It can be difficult to understand the reason for the reason for your ex-boyfriend's distancing and the eventual separation. It seems like you've done what you could to support your ex-boyfriend and sometimes there is no clear answer to why someone would suddenly change the way they treat and care for you. Hope you take care of yourself at this time.

Re: My ex has anxiety and depression, I am trying to understand it and get closure on our breakup

Break ups are one of the hardest things we can go through @girlygirl25 Often they throw up a whole heap of questions in our minds and we wonder about why things happened as they have. It's so important to have a space to talk about things and I hope it's been a little useful to let some of this stuff outside of yourself on the forums. How has everything been going for you? I

f you'd like to connect more with our members, you're welcome to jump in on any other relevant discussions. Oh and you can introduce yourself over here if you feel up to it too. Look after yourself and I hope to see you around the forums. 

Re: My ex has anxiety and depression, I am trying to understand it and get closure on our breakup

Thank you for responding.  Yes, I am taking care of myself the best way I can. I am stil very confused. I do not know much about anxiety/depression. I know throughout our relationship he has gone through various depressive cycles. I do not know how to open up the lines of communication with him. I want to let him know that I am worried about him and that he can call/text me if he needs. I just don't know if I should bc I don't want to make things worse or come off as needy. I don't know if I should approach him because he walked away from me and maybe I should give him space to think. It's only been a little more than 2 weeks since we broke up. Do you have any advice as to what I should do? Does anyone know why he was so happy and affectionate when he was with me, but then tell me he can't connect with me? I don't know what that means?

Re: My ex has anxiety and depression, I am trying to understand it and get closure on our breakup

Everything is so new and raw, it makes sense you're feeling confused.  It probably came as a bit of a shock to you in many ways. Some people experiencing depression find it hard to feel a connection to others. Anxiety can imake it tough to clearly communicate what we feel and need too. This can mean that a person living with theses experiences might do or say one thing, while inside, they feel another. This might explain the inconsistency in your ex's behaviour. 

While I can really hear how much you want to connect with your ex again, one of the most important things when healing from a break up is to take space apart from your ex. This isn't at all easy to do but it will help you to heal in the long run. Here's some useful links on understanding and coping with break ups worht a read over:

- 11 break up survival tips (that don't involve positive thinking)

- The science of a broken heart

- Recovering form a break up 

Hope there's somehting useful for you there @girlygirl25 🐼

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