Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Carri]

This is the first time I have used such a forum - ever.  I live in Western Australia - my daughter lives in NSW.  She is 22 and has Aspergers and ADHD.  She has an issue overmedicating to manage daily life which in turn causes her to spiral downwards.  This journey for her and me ( her mother ) has been going on for nearly 7 years.  She has taken several overdoes, been sectioned, violent and I had to take out a VRO on her early this year.  I am a full time working professional, married with another daughter who is 19.  My daughter who has the mental illness lives in Sydney and goes to uni there. She has an obsession with me - I am her punching bag (figuratively) and her saviour.  This has and is making me unwell.  I just want to be free and not feel guilty.  I know that no amount of love can fix her problems and she must own her condition.  She has been an inpatient in a private clinic several times, has completed CBT and undegone counselling but she always returns to her external locus of control default position.  I always end up having to turn my phone off as she harrasses me - today she sent me 54 texts and threatened to harm herself again. Unfortunately, she won't join any support groups.  She has friends but is reluctant to burden them with her condition as she believes they will abandon her so most of her time is taken up trying to 'be normal'. I love her dearly but I know only she can really make the change and has to be proactive in seeking help.  I guess my ongoing fear is she won't and I have to live with that.  Thoughts?

[Mosaic]

Hi @Carri welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing.

I am sure MANY members on here can relate to the circumstances you are facing. I know here at the SANE Help Centre we receive multiple phone calls a day from family members describing very similar scenarios. Unfortunately the circumstances you are facing are all too common, and I can imagine at this point you are probably feeling burnt out, frustrated and helpless. You have correctly identified that she must be the one to seek out and engage with relelvant support and treatment, and it can often take a long time for people to get to this place for themselves. It is good to hear you have established some bounaries with your interactions, 54 texts a day is certainly overstepping the line. Do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to and confide in about this? Hopefully you will find the Forums to be a safe and welcoming place to visit, even if just to vent your frustration sometimes. You are among friends here 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @Carri, this must be so hard watching your daughter suffer, even from a distance, and drawing boundaries. I have two brothers with paranoid psychosis who can be quite obcessive trying to have their lengthy conspiracies believed. You live them but hate the abuse. I have blocked them and on & off, guilt always takes over & I keep letting them. Its exhausting. My youngest Bro was admitted to MH again only yesterday (after 5yrs) but he'll soon be out and go off his meds again. I find the msgs distressing. Dr Phil talks about 'Tough Love' - he says we are dealing with the illness and its not love or self respect to not draw boundaries. This reasoning helps me not feel so guilty. I know its hard because you could lose her at ant time but as you say, she needs to reach out and I"d hope someone has given her referrals or shes pucked it up in her studies. Love your girls but love yourself too, be the best you.

Perhaps you can repost this in the 'Carers' side of the forums, many mums go through similar. @Former-Member, comes to mind

My son is the opposite, he doesn't like me ringing more than once a fortnight and no more then 2tx a week with no pictures... I usually respect his boundaries but sometimes my spontenaity takes over.

Just do the best you can, don't beat yourself up, pray and never give up Hoping. 🙂

[Former-Member]

Oops, just realised this is the Carers forum, my bad lol

[Appleblossom]

hello @Carri

My son has Aspergers and I am in a similar role .. both saviour & punching bag.  Very gradually and gently I am making him aware of the elements of his behaviours that are very stressful .. and actually reduce are mutual experience of life ... teaching him that "I am not the enemy" is big.  That life throws curved balls and challenges regularly but it will better if we can face them together.  During the last 3 years things have imporved a lot.  Before that i was barely coping or existing. Hang in there.  I believe genuine respect in close relationships is important and that the best way for child to gain self respect is not to abuse parental generosity & love. 

Its really tricky & delicate for me .. but yesterday my son made a glib suggestion about me doing more work .. whilst I was in physical labour .. I flipped it back onto to him through a bit of resistance and eventually he took it up himself and performed the small task himself.

When he was seriously unwell I mutely accepted his need to use me as a punching bag ... and try and imprve situation when he is better.

[Carri]

Thank you so much for sharing your situation and thoughts - 48 hours later my daughter is in a better place. She has sent me as she often does an essay on her needs and how we can compromise and work together. My strategy is to meet her half way. The hard part is maintaining my resilience and own self care. It appears to be a cycle 'reinstating boundaries' but as you say just hang in there. Thanks again 🙂

[Carri]

Hi Tawney - you are right about 'tough love'.  I remember a nurse saying to me 'no amount of love is going to fix this' and I replay that in my mind when my daughter goes into panic mode and becomes completely irrational making all sorts of threats.  I spoke to her today and she seems in a better place. She has sent me an essay as she often does outlining how we can reinstate the boundaries of our relationship - bless I know.  I will compromise and we will move forward - enjoy the better times and wait for the next storm.  One thing i do channel my own anger and sadness at the situation is write poetry.  Thank you sharing with me 🙂

[Carri]

Thank you 🙂  Yes I have just started to visit a counsellor who works within a Mental Health organisation and it is certainly helpful - she was the one who directed me to this forum.  It is a relief to actually share my situation with others who understand - I constantly feel as though I have to reinstate my boundaries and that in itself is exhausting but I know consistency is neccessary for her to function successfully as an adult and maintain a level of independence.  Thanks again for your support.

[Snowdrop]

Hello Carri

I also have problems with a child in another state - and also like you am caught in  cycle of (verbal) punching bag and saviour.

I find it helps to post on the forum and to share my little gains, but also post the backward steps. I don't feel so alone knowing someone out there is listening to me and it is also good to know that others feel as I do - although really, I would prefer that no-one have to go through what I go through.

Anyway - good luck, I do hope things start to ease and you get some peace, although like most of us you have probably forgotten what mental and emotional peace feels like! But we do live in hope.

Best wishes

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member @Appleblossom @Snowdrop .... 💜

Nothing says it like experience .... ❣

Good morning @Carri @Mosaic and everyone ....

In my situation it is my husband who is unwell with an mi .... he is deeply in denial with an eating disorder, as yet undiagnosed ... we have come through "punching bag" to a large degree and his behaviour has settled down enormously .... but only because I / we realised that without his self-awareness on board, and without the support of a medical diagnosis, we were adrift without sail or rudder, and if we didn't learn to paddle together our boat was gonna go down .... !!

So .... we did the best we could to flag medical attention, and then have had to learn to walk alongside him as he relentlessly pursues a self-destructive path of excessive exercise, and Orthorexic and B/P eating patterns, seeing others praise him for his excellent "health achievements" with the accompanying silent question marks as to why we aren't all borrowing from his example and becoming super-thin and athletic ourselves, for the perceived health benefits ...... it's excruciatingly painful in those moments .... especially as he comes from a family who idolise thinness ....

For the most part my WH (Wayward Husband) has concealed the most worrying of his behaviours in respectability, and takes off interstate every few weeks to help take the pressure off "living a lie", which takes some pressure off all the relationships as well - four of our five adult children are still living at home, one set to marry and move out very shortly.

The guilt of enabling behaviours you know are wrong is probably the hardest hurdle to crawl over, along with dodging or setting boundaries over emotional abuse, but I can hear that you have managed to establish that uneasy sort of status-quo that enables everybody to limp forward .... well done ❣  That's huge .... and if it takes having Australian states between you to achieve that, please consider it a blessing in some respects, which I believe you do.  The roller-coaster is intense.  Anything that creates and establishes boundaries has to be a positive, even though it comes with other pressures as well.

Its a long walk .... better achieved in company ....

Lovely to meet you.  We will give you a "ahoy" from the coffee corner of the Carer's site .... and you have just inspired me to start a poetry thread for the Carer's side .... there is one in operation on Lived Experience.

🌷💜 F&H