Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ruth]

Hi everyone. It's been some months since I last wrote, and I've searched for my old posts, but unsuccessfully. 

My 18 year old daughter (whom I love more than life itself) is now accusing me of being the trigger for all her issues. I am totally exhausted. I've been the anchor in the family all through the years. I've loved and supported my daughter. I've remained calm and gentle when she has screamed abuse at me. NOW, she's telling me that it's my fault that she has a mental illness ... my fault that she took drugs ... my fault that she chose bad associates.  These words are cutting. I'm not permitted to have any response; any feelings; I'm not allowed to be human.  I am Mother and I am Responsible. 

Oh dear, this almost feels useless writing this post, because it's impossible to summarise the scenarios, the grief, the loneliness, the despair. 

I'm feeling fragile against her cursings and accusations. I am experiencing the proverbial 'jaw dropping' response to the things coming out of her mouth. And I'm completely lost for words, because I know the things she says are irrational and untrue. In her whole life, I've never even raised my voice at her or scolded her. (I can hear all the 'judgement' calls coming in against me, from readers, lol). But that's who I am. I've parented in the same way that my parents parented me. Just love and kindness. 

I keep telling myself to delete this post. What's the point sending it? The couple of paragraphs I've written only give a glimpse of the situation. I appreciate the fact that readers will probably reply and say 'hang in there'; 'it's not your fault'; 'ring up a support line'; 'you're not alone', et cetera.  I know this. I've read the books. I've talked to the professionals.(I actually AM one, haha. I'm a doctor and have a masters of counselling degree. Go figure).  I've called the support line. Strategies don't work effectively unless both parties are participating.  I probably sound ungrateful. I'm not. I just feel like I've been verbally and emotionally beaten to a pulp over a long period of time. And the beating is still going on. And I'm getting tired and I can see no end in sight. 

The weariness and loneliness are getting harder to live with. 

[pip]

Hi @Ruth. Actually I'm not going to say the usual 'hang in there' etc. You've probably already guessed, being a counsellor, yourself, your daughter's lashing out at herself, but you're the 'sounding board'. It's so much easier to blame everyone else, rather than accept blame for our actions. I'm having issues with my 48 year old daughter. She caused quite a 'pantomime' yesterday at a family lunch at my sons. Unfortunately, all the books in the world don't cover the EMOTIONAL side of raising kids. Emotions can't be summarized in writing. If they were. we wouldn't have these forums, we wouldn't need them. I seldom lost it with my kids either, however my daughter has some serious problems and my only course now is to distance myself. You, on the other hand live with your daughter. Deep down I would say your daughter knows her drug problem is hers, but she doesn't want to 'own' it yet. She knows you've always 'been there' for her, as my daughter knows the same. She is pushing buttons for responses so that she can then 'prove' to herself everything she says is truth. Ignoring her: mission impossible, but do-able. How to ignore: Next time she goes into her 'act', call her on it. Ask for proof where you are responsible. Ask for proof how you got her into drugs. In other words, don't try defending yourself. When she screams (which she no doubt will), scream back. Be human, let her know you have feelings too. Once you respond in a way she won't anticipate, she will either match or she will stop. If she tries to match, that's when you call 'time', walk away. Go and find somewhere that is your 'safe place'. Tell her this is my space, find your own. Telling her to find her own space is not demanding, nor asking for respect, it's simply pointing out you are not accepting responsibility for her illness. Even if her illness is inherited, you personally are not responsible. It's pointless demanding respect, she doesn't respect herself, she won't respect you, till you do.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Ruth,

Welcome back, is this the old thread that you spoke of wanting to find? Support for parents of teenagers with mental illness

I can understand that you daughter is feeling overwhelmed with all that she is expeirencing and why she would want to push all the responsibility onto you but I hope that you dont take all of what she is giving you? "I am Mother and I am Responsible" sounds like you are and that you agree with her?

you sound highly educated and you know the support lines and the strategies usually suggested to help with situations which is great but from my mind is not about strategies to work effectively with your daughter (at the moment) it is about how to support and prop you up so that even if you dont want support for yourself you accept it because you know that as a carer if you let yourself go too far down then you cant do the thing that you value, which is supporting your daughter.

- so its that age old line what are you doing that is making the situation more difficult for you and what can you do to promote self care so that you can stay around, be stronger and role model working toward mental health - it is not selfish

what do other people think? 

[Ruth]

wow, Pip and Fancy Pants. They were some responses! I'll need to re-read them, but just want to say thank you for taking the time to reply at length. 

Just as an aside, I was due to visit my 21 year old son today, but as I spent the entire morning crying my eyes out in self pity, I just couldn't go. For the first time, I told him why. In a text I told him that I was upset because Kate had targetted me for all her issues, and that I was at a low ebb emotionally. I was so thrilled when I received his reply, and I wished I could have shared it with someone. So now that I've seen your reply, that 'someone' is you two 🙂  Some of what he texted: "Kate doesn't know what she is saying... I couldn't have asked for a better mother than you. You are the most compassionate person I know. And how can I even begin to expound the glories of your unconditional love for your children? I don't even know what it means to love someone like you love us.  Thank you for always being the most glorious, caring, affectionate, tolerant, respectful, humble and self-sacrificing mother. I don't agree with any of what Kate says and she obviously doesn't mean it either. I hope you feel better soon. I love you Mum". 

What else can I say? 🙂 

[pip]

@Ruth. Are you sure your son's name isn't Michael. My son and him sound as though they're one and the same. The only difference between them is; my son has decided to distance himself from my daughter till she realizes she was out of order. With your daughter, I totally 100% agree with your son, as I agree with mine. My son is younger by 4 years, but yesterday his maturity showed in a way I never expected. Your daughter, Kate, I think, as I said, is pushing buttons to escape the responsibility of owning her drug issues. Keep your sons text to remind yourself when you start self doubting (which, no doubt you will), Between his text and mine and Fancy Pants reply, hopefully, you will regain your self confidence, which took a beating.

[Ruth]

Thanks Pip 🙂

That's so interesting. The two men being peas in a pod, haha. Yes, I will treasure what he said to me, and keep reading it.

Kate no longer has drug issues, although she has the occasional bit of weed. She went to rehab at the beginning of the year, and it was good for her. But her mental issues are what's causing the grief. The psychiatrist is still trying different medications. 

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Ruth

Your son's message was so beautiful and moving..... Thank you so much for sharing it with us 🙂

it sounds like both of you @Ruth and @pip have amazing qualities (your sons would not go to such lenghts if it were not true) and I hope you both do what pip suggested and keep the text (or any other reminder) close at hand at all times

take care

[Ruth]

Thanks Fancy Pants 🙂  (where did you get that name?! lol)

[Shaz51]

Hello @Ruth 

I agree ,Your son's message was so beautiful xx

Hello @pip, @Fancy_Pants

[olly53]

Oh dear these stories have such similarities.I too am today struggling with my daughter who has BPD. We had issues last week and I decided I needed time out but that evening she told me she wanted to sort it out or she would take her own life. So, I did what I have always done and went back but the abuse started again immediately. I have had to now make that hard decision again and have no contact for a while as I feel I have become part of the problem and not part of the solution. The heartbreaking part of this is she now won't let me see my 14 year old grandson who also relies on me for support to cope with his mother. I feel both relieved and devastated that it has come to this.