Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Megan]

My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar 9mths after our marriage and since the diagnosis things have just gotten worse. He refuses to attend any counselling/psychiatrist or therapy sessions and insists that takin his meds are enough. He is verbally abusive, physically threatening and then we he is depressed he ignores me for days on end, playing video games, says horrible nasty things and then goes to bed and acts as though nothing has happened the next day.
We have 2 children together who are starting to notice his moods and his irrational behaviour and commenting on it. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know who to talk to but I am lost, I am unsure whether to stay or leave, if he doesn't get help I think I should leave. But I am terrified of the repercussions if I do leave. He threatens to commit suicide if I do leave and then threatens physically

[Maple]

Oh I sooo understand how you are feeling Megan.

My husband has been diagnosed with depression but he actually shows all the symptoms of Bi Polar. He has the same mood swings and the whole family suffers with him. The worst is the 'stonewalling' when there is no response no matter how you try, and the same waking up like nothing has happened. My kids are 8 and 10years and I have had to answer their questions now with "Yes dad is not right at the moment.. he is going through a bad phase. Its not your fault though.' The best thing I could do was go to a Therapist my self to help me with dealing with all the emotions. Yes they (our husbands) are the ones who are unwell but the family has to find ways of dealing with it too. Whatever the outcome you can feel better about the choices you make by getting some clarity and finding support, like you are doing here or with other people or services can help immensely.

Things are still hard at times but having a direction for myself was/is important to work through it.

It is a really difficult time for all of you... and you need to feel safe and supported too.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Megan

thank you for being so open and sharing your story

Your situation sounds very scary, are you concerned for your safety if you leave? has he or would he physically hurt you? I know you said he threatened to hurt himself. I am sure he is experiencing a horrific time himself trying to manage all this but he is not doing anything to help himself and actively hurting you, what you have described sounds like at the very least emotional abuse, have you ever called 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732  24/7 line) even anonymously - to get some advice?

I completely agree @Maple having a support person especially a therapist who can listen, help you make a plan and support you through tough times is critical...

some people in your situation feel guilty for wanting more (respect, caring etc) and it can lead to burnout and compassion fatigue, there is a thread here that talks about another carers experience of feeling like they have to walk away 

Do you have anyone in your life who you are close to?

what do you think will happen if you stay?

[Megan]

This is the first time I have actively sought out some form of support or advice and I will definitely be giving 1800 RESPECT a call.
He has threatened to hurt me or at least told me what he would do in certain situations or if I didn't stop whatever it was I was nagging about (his words). He doesn't believe that he has a problem and yet uses his Bipolar as an excuse for poor behaviour at work and home. He sleeps so much or is playing his games there isn't really any in between.

I have been trying my hardest with my dads support to have some me time and have joined a local womens footy team and have made some amazing friends, which now causes more issues at home as he is all of a sudden homophobic and worried I am turning lesbian. But I am embarrassed to seek their advice as I am the captain of the team and a lot of the girls are younger than me.
My mother passed away 6 weeks before we were married (she had cervical cancer) and I feel that possibly I wasn't in the right frame of mind to accept his proposal in the first place. He always had some issues, jealousy and paranoia, I was silly and thought it would all go away

[NikNik]

Hi @Megan


Friendships are so important - it's wonderful that you have joined that team for yourself.

I hope you have / will find someone to talk to - whether that be a professional and/or a friend.

How did you go reaching out to 1800 RESPECT?

[Tessie]

Hi Megan

I wanted to check in and see how you are going? 

I really think it is imperative that your husband does reattend his psychiatrist as it sounds like his medications are not ideal for him if he is behaving in this manner.  Does he have a good psychiatrist?  Did you know that you can always make an appointment yourself to see the psychiatrist to discuss his treatment?  

If he can get in a better headspace then perhaps he may realise what he is doing to you and the kids.  My husband battles with Bipolar, ADHD and Borderline Personality.  In terms of the Bipolar he is on an antidepressant, mood stabiliser and antipsychotics but it has actually taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get the antipsychotic right.  I think he is on his fifth one now which is actually a good fit and without the drowsiness that a lot of them bring.  

I don't know - it sounds to me that he either isn't taking his meds or he is on the wrong meds.  If he refuses to go to the psychiatrist then maybe you should consider going by yourself.  I hope you are seeing someone good in the private sector.  I don't know where you live but I do work in the industry and may be able to give you some suggestions.

And yes, I totally get the whole commit suicide threat - I have heard it 100 times myself and when I say what about our daughter he always just says she would be better off without him and won't listen to reason when he is in that headspace but he does come out of it and see sense pretty quickly - and that's where the meds come in I think - they don't change one's personality but they do provide relief from symptoms and more clarity.  

All the best xxx

[Sandi]

Hi Megan,

It is a difficult road we walk with Bipolar husbands.They can be very emotionally  hurtful and not realise what they have said or done afterwards-and i find i am also left with the toxic words and take a few days to get over the attempted anniallation of my character.Unfortunately this wears you down after years and i am getting toughter and trying to a bit more like a carer-a bit remote so i dont take it in.

You let your guard down when they are well but then have to put it up in a hurry to protect your own self from abusive words.

My bp hub prior to medication was very sick,in denial he would dissappear without notice

had a drinking problem,gambling addiction but when he lost his licence he realised that it was him that was unwell not me causing him to drink.(denial)

It was only when something became uncomfortable for him that he did something about it.When it was difficult for me he really didnt care much.So with boundaries, they need to be strong and not allow him to be enabled,covering up things so everything looks ok from the outside doesnt really work because they dont feel the implications of behaviour.He missed appointments,let our children down and wasnt there for me many times.

He is 85% better since his third psychiatrist diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar but occassionally still doesnt take all his meds,convinces the doctor he doesnt need as much so it still difficult at times.

He becomes paranoid at times and i wonder if that is just bipolar or something else?

I have three good weeks and one bad week per month with him where he is really irritable and says inappropriate things (hates all authority figures) so i think there is a bit of a way to go sorting his meds out and (i think i love him with less abandonment now because of all the hurt ) but we have been through a lot together so im willing to see it through and give him some tough love when he needs it.Its easier to forget the bad stuff when hes an angel but i know it doesnt last and he becomes a different destructive person(normal for bipolar?)

Best wishes Megan

Hope you are safe.

If he hits you call the police right!The verbal abuse is harder to deal with but walking out of the room is the correct way to handle that.Its difficult for the children as they could be emotionally abused now by BP Hub or when they become adults so trying to protect the next gen is really imperitive.

Staying somewhere else with the kids when the environment gets toxic means you wont regret not protecting them and also draw a line.

Its hard to do that but you will reap rewards in the future as he will know he cant get away with being rude with the children around.Stonewalling is hurtful but its best if he says nothing instead of the toxic vomit that can come out directed at you.

[SunnyDay]

I agree that friendships are important, but I have found that it is also important not too talk too much about the difficulties that can be experienced in a relationship with a person with BPD. It sometimes only makes me feel worse when I talk about my difficulties with my friends as they don't know what to say. I would like to know how I can work on changing my own mindset so that I don't continue to enable difficult behaviours similar to the ones being talked about here. I am learning about enabling. But I think I do it without even realising it.

[TheNewGirl]

I'm in the exact same boat with my husband who has BPD. Often a conversation that initially started out as me seeking support / sounding board turns into justifying why I'm still with him. I rarely talk to anyone except his immediate family about it these days as I'm struggling to find the balance between empathy and enabling. Any advice is greatly appreciated! We've recently been relocated to Melbourne by my work, so any mental health professional recommendations would be handy too!

[TheNewGirl]

Sorry, read the last msg first, still waking up and getting use to daylight savings! @Sandi, I hope your BP Hub's name isn't Alex or we may be married to the same man!

@Megan, I married my BP husband after 6 months of meeting, so never fully understood what supporting someone with BPD was really like. I was working two weeks on, two weeks off and he was taking long service leave, so there was lots of drinking involved (I assumed that'd settle down when he went back to work), however he's struggled to hold a job longer than 2 months.

Its now been 3 years and he's only improved since I started recognising when he starts to go down his toxic path (always alcohol fuelled) and distracting him. Usually by suggesting we take the dog for a walk, taking him to a friends / inviting a friend over or taking him out to get his fave meal and away from the bottle. Admittedly, I don't have children so am fortunate to be able to drop everything to keep him happy until he sleeps and resets his brain.

But if the above only works if he's just started down that path. If he's drunk when I get home from work, I have to remain very calm, not cry and do something nice for him whilst I endure his verbal lashings. FAR easier said than done (especially if I've had a touch day at work)!!!

If he still continues (9/10 he'll settle down after 30 - 40 mins of that), then i say very calmly that I'm leaving to go visit a relative (his parents are best as he thinks I'm off cheating) as he's clearly not enjoying my company. I tell him I love him very much (even though I feel like hitting him in the head with a frying pan! Or driving myself into a brick wall), that I'll miss him and to let me know when it's ok to come home and I'd love some cuddles.

I never get into a text fight any more, I always call and if he hangs up / it's not going anywhere, then often I block his number (and let him know that) and not reply for a few hours.

I have also started choosing the moments to talk to him about me and my needs. Never do it when he's in a depressed mood or during a manic ep. And try not to lay blame solely on him. Ask for his help to support you through a trying time with kids/work/study and ask how you can better support him during his (took a while to get him to open up about it).

Hope that helps!